CHRONICLES FROM THE MIND OF A RAVING LUNATIC "DUDE" (9/m)

My goofy-ball accomplice and partner in crime, Dude Dillinger is featured prominently on the cover.

Obtained his master's degree in "ATH-HOE-PHYSICS" in record breaking time!
By golly, what a hard worker you are!

(Lil... fricking Werewolf!)




CHRONICALS FROM THE MIND OF A RAVING LUNATIC
Book one of the
MONTANA MISFITS

A novel by COUNT: V V Nicolzah
(unedited/unabridged. Copy write protected)



The New York Times Best Seller list!

"This is an intriguing manuscript! Is this new author, by chance, in state custody yet?"
—People Magazine

"WTF?"
—The Epoch Times

"This nonsense makes absolute no sense! F*CK OUTTA MY OFFICE!"
—Imma Spaz, Miami Herald

"WHY ME?"
—Ben Dover, Southern Living Magazine

NEW YORK TIMES BEST SELLER LIST!
(update)

8,49,333 views! 1 1/2 likes? "NO SH*T?"
Serendipity! —Ripley's Believe It or Not, Youtube



Prologue



After clearing his throat, Valkyrie read Mister Chump and Dude the joke that his cousin Elvin had written in the letter.

My first evening whislt visiting London was, shall we say... rather intriguing!

"GIVE IT TO ME! GIVE IT TO ME!" She panted impactfully! "I'M SO WET! PLEASE! PLEASE GIVE IT TO ME!"

I focused my attention on the back of her wet skin-tight black leather pants, only to realize that I was staring back into her sad puppy dog eyes as she sobbed her bogus alligator tears!

I was appalled!

I then slowly and methodically returned my gaze back to her dripping wet buttocks, suspecting that, that too was a mere sham! Boy was I ever right! WOW, WAS HER ATH UNREAL!

"THOSE PANTS OF YERN'S SURE LOOK'N... MIGHTY HOT! I'M IMPRESSED!"

She gave a bogus smile while batting her phony puppy dog eyes! But it didn't matter how much this fine MILF whimpered and whined! I wasn't about to hand her... "ME… FORK-KING UM-BREL-LA!"

"BLAH!" Dude burst out laughing! On the other hand, mister Chump couldn't figure out what was going on!

Chapter I

Dog day afternoon

May the Lord make your Love increase and overflow for each other and for everyone else.
1 Thessalonians 3:12



act I

Within seconds, the beast slowly retreated into the shadowy depths of the Whispering Wails' cavern. His eerie, yellow glowing eyes gradually vanished into oblivion.

Moments later, the old mountain man let out a sigh of exhaustion. Angry, he wiped the slight trickle of blood gently running down the right side of his face.

"The horror awaits you... #13!" he gasped in despair.

He stepped closer to the brink of the cliff after securing his foothold, and while slipping his arm through the shoulder strap of his Henry 44-inch .54 caliber bear rifle he was carrying. It was his finest and most accurate large-caliber rifle despite being beaten up and weighing a lot.

Reaching out and taking hold of a tree root from the rock face, he gently lowered himself to the pathway below, resting his boots on the ground. He shuffled his feet until his feet were firmly embedded in the tall grass.

A gust of wind picked up speed, bringing with it the delicate perfume of Sweet Alyssum and Honeysuckle in the warm autumn air. Always accompanied by the fresh smell of life!
The strong breeze nearly blew his Stetson 100X El Presidente black felt cowboy hat off his head.

Valkyrie Vladimir Nicolzah would have had a great time thrashing around the grass after his beloved hat in the past, but now as he was nearing 63, he had other plans.

He pulled a mutton hide pouch containing his favorite chewing tobacco, Copenhagen, from the upper breast pocket of his rawhide vest and took a pinch as he set his gaze on the obscure heavens above.

An eeriness covered the horizon in dark layer of, untrustworthy clouds threatening an unexpected torrential downpour, prompted him to hurry his actions. With that fact looming, he called out, cueing his horse.

"MISTER CHUMP! LET'S GO, BUDDY!"

Dude, an enormous Diezen timber wolf, approached from the depths of the forest as a stunning dark bay stallion followed closely behind.

Mister Chump, a gorgeous Morgan, tipped the scales at just over 1250 pounds and a towering 18.5 hands. WHOA!

"So? What's the deal, Val?"

The old man slid his rifle back into its saddle holster and strapped it securely shut. "Is it that important?"

Gritting his teeth, Dude replied with a snarl. "DID YOU GET RID OF THAT BIOHAZARD OR NOT?"

"Afraid you'll get your fat old butt kicked by that mean ole Blackie?" Valkyrie winked teasingly as he chuckled.

A large sarcastic smile spread across Dude's furry mug! "No, I am not afraid of getting my fat butt kicked!"

A short pause followed.

"I'M GETTING D*MNED TIRED OF IT!"

"Hey now!" Valkyrie respodeded! "Just joshing, ya!"

In line with expectations, the onery old wolf bowed and turned to leave.

"START CALLING YOU, FRICKEN-CHICKEN!" Valkyrie teased, giving his friend a light but swift kinck to the buttocks.

"RIGHT ON, VAL!" Dude replied with his now-famous one-toe salute!

Because this happened so regularly, the unusual three had become used to each other's thoughts, so seeing them apart was strange.

Our heavenly Lord asked these three misfits to get together to complete an unknown assignment, and so far, Valkyrie, Mister Chump, and Dude have been completely oblivious!

This thought was acceptable for Valkyrie, and he often insisted, "What God meant to be, is to be!" Naturally, out of spite; Dude believed otherwise!

Slowly rounding the rough cliff trail, the trio walked off Cherry Peak in the Coeur d'Alene Mountain range, returning to the solid ground of the Bitterroot valley in Montana.

A lone tree stood in a clearing just ahead, which Dude had claimed ownership of many years before!

Suddenly the old wolf bolted while over his left shoulder, he yelled back at Valkyrie. "If you want anything out of me, you'll have to wait till I'm finished in the toilet!"

Valkyrie slowly shook his head in disgust. "Gross!"

"No kidding!" Mumbled Mister Chump in a deep rumble. "Feel like a having' beer when we tah town?"

The bright afternoon sun quickly absorbed Valkyrie as he swung his leg over the saddle of his horse to prepare for yet another journey. "More like a dozen!" He chuckled.

This was one of the rare occasions when the trio wandered into town. It was Dude's birthday, so they celebrated at Olé Pete's Saloon.

Last season, the Montana Misfit's camped east of Missoula but kept to themselves since they were not fond of larger crowds.

"Wonder when Blackie will return to his old routine?" asked Dude approaching from behind.

Valkyrie snatched a little twig off a ponderosa to nibble on as he passed by. With a chuckle, he replied, "There will be no telling. Blackie is a freak of nature!"

"NO VAL! We Montana Misfit's are freaks of nature!" Dude corrected. "Blackie, however, is forking possessed! Big difference, pal!"

Garnet, Montana, was a recently established gold mine village well shielded from the cat population beginning in the summer of 1895.

Blackie, the timber wolf's reputation was not favorable due to his domineering attitude, explosive temper, and abhorrence of cats. To be honest, Blackie had severe Ailurophobia but would never acknowledge it to anybody. There are those folks who agreed with Blackie, and there are those who would like him to cease to exist.

After having had enough of this nuisance for much too long, it was then that the well-known "Kitty-Kat-Klub" hired the Montana Misfits to resolve their issue!

"You gotta be kidding me!" Mister Chump grumbled when he learned of the new job opportunity. "Is this what we've been reduced to? Chasing neglected alley cats for a living?" Mister Chump's schizophrenia often left him hopelessly confused.

"HUH!" Frustrated by his friends' inability to grasp the situation, Dude snapped, "HE DIDN'T SAY WE WOULD BE CHASING CATS, DIP-SHIP!"

The irritated old wolf shook his head and walked away, mumbling something rather fowl and nasty. "We're tracking down Blackie the Wolf-Beast! Get it straight in your head, will ya!"

Valkyrie couldn't help but laugh at the never-ending comedy between his two associates. "Befuddled once again ole boy?" He chuckled as he amusedly slapped the old horse on the neck.

A defiant Mister Chump responded. "NO! That schizophrenic mutt is where all the chaos originates!"

The rude comment made Dude come to a complete halt! "I AM BIPOLAR! YOU HAVE SCHIZOPHRENIA! JACK-ASS!"

Mister Chump grunted. "Isn't it strange! If that's the case, then why do you insist I'm a Jack-Ass, when clearly I'm a forking horse!"

"You're living in denial, friend!"

"NOPE! I've never been outta the state of Montanta,!" Mister Chump declared.

Wisely, Valkyrie managed to stay out of his partner's ridiculous dispute.

"Besides… OLE BOY… It's Montana! Not Montanta, fool!"

By the time the Montana Misfits arrived in Garnet, it was scorching hot. Mister Chump had been dehydrated because to the lengthy journey, so he headed to the next trough to restock his supplies.

"Do you believe Pete has any milk duds?" A hopeful Dude questioned Valkyrie as the trio neared the saloon's boardwalk. Not knowing. Replied Valkyrie. "The chances are stacked against it."

Valkyrie hurled open the Dutch doors of Olé Pete's and strode to the shiny new solid yellow oak bar counter.

"BAR KEEP!" he playfully hollered. "PITCHER OF BEER AND A BOTTLE OF COFFIN VARNISH! GET A MOVE-ON!"

Taking a break from stocking coolers under the counter, the elderly bartender and owner lifted his head from under it. "I hear, VALKYRIE!" he cried! "How long did it take you to get back to town?"

"About four hours," Valkyrie responded. "We'll be leaving in a few days."

"All out of Coffin Varnish. Sorry. Anything else instead?"

"Then a bottle of Tarantula Juice!" Dude answered.

The old chubby bartender made a cursory check around the tavern, perplexed as to where Dudes' most familiar voice might be coming from.

"PETE! I'm down here!"

 "I've noticed you've been looking quite sharp lately, Dude!"

The bartender sassed back as he peered over the counter.

Dude glared back in protest to the sarcastic remark. "Got milk duds?"

"Yes, I believe so. In the back somewhere would be a logical place to look. I'll go see."

Valkyrie detected the sound of trickling water as he gazed about. He gradually shifted his attention downward. "DUDE!" he exclaimed. "Get a grip! That's not a commode, but a spittoon! For crying out loud, go outdoors!"

Dude replied with a smirk. "Nope! I'm good!"

Putting his weight on the counter, Valkyrie shook his head. "That's why we had to leave town in the first place, you know!"

"OH! COME ON CUPCAKE! You don't seem to have any sense of humor anymore?"

Valkyrie slowly rolled his eyes. "The same question I will ask you, yet on the other side of the jail cell bars! AND DON'T CALL ME CUPCAKE!"

The hardy bartender then returned with a bowl of mouth-watering chocolate and cherry milk duds and laid them at Dudes' paws. "Knock yourself out!" he mockingly teased.

"Those hogs are in heaven for that Dude!" Valkyrie laughed.

Suddenly thunder rumbled overhead as several dark clouds gathered above the saloon casting bolts of lightning as a display of power.

Ducking to one side, Dude yelled, "HOLY SCHNIKES! WHERE THE HELL DID THAT COME FROM?"

Valkyrie, wearing a black leather cowboy hat, strode to the main street in awe. "I do not know!"

Large raindrops pelted the dusty mining town below as soon as the clouds broke open.

"WHOA!" said Dude! "There's nothing worse than being overcome by the soothing rhythm of a cow passing on a flat rock!"

"No kidding!"

Dude sifted through the mud in search of something. "I can certainly understand where you're coming from! Cupcake!"

"Yeppers! AND DON'T CALL ME THAT!"

Despite knowing that the nickname got under his partner's skin, Dude chuckled, ignoring his adamant demand.

A gust of wind blew Valkyries' hat down the dirty street, which bounced along helplessly until it eventually stopped, wedged between two bails of hay at the livery stable.

The old, outback wolf was in hysterics as he sprinted down the main street to retrieve the hat for his unsuspecting best friend. "I never dreamed that would happen!" Roared Dude with childish laughter! At this point in Dude's life, it took minimal effort to entertain him.

In protest, Valkyrie hollered as he rolled his dark blue eyes. "IT MUST BE DELIGHTFUL FOR YOU! I AM DELIGHTED... YOU ARE SO... DELIGHTED!"

Dude was back in a flash, carrying the newly soaked cowboy hat and sneezing heavily! Sorry, Val! I'm allergic to... BULL-CHIT!"

"NO! THAT'S... BULL-CHIT!" Valkyrie exclaimed with a deep chuckle. "You're a dumpster fire waiting to happen!"

Now it was Dude who rolled his tired old eyes. "DON'T REMIND ME!"

As a result, the two Montana Misfits sought refuge in the saloon's coolness, escaping the hot, muggy conditions.

"What was that all about, mister V?" inquired the elderly town drunk. The old fart idolized Valkyrie and his crew. Believing that the Montana Misfits were three mighty angels disguised as messengers from our glorious Father. But that was simply how old man was!

Valkyrie extended his hand for a handshake as he smiled warmly at Chester. "How are you doing, pal? It has been months!"

A slight grin spread across the old drunk's face as he grasped Valkyrie's hand as if he were a rescuer yanking him from the midst of a raging fire. Defeated and powerless.

"Hopefully, my boys will return by the end of November."

Moments later, Dude walked by, dark chocolate streaming from his mouth as he munched on a milk dud.

"WELL DONE, CHESTY!" Dude barked, spraying treats everywhere. "How is Camo-Carl doing nowadays?"

Carl was Chester's eldest son, was a cattle baron from Texas, and a damned fool who relished his pleasures wherever, whenever, regardless of the circumstances!

They called him Como-Carl because he blended in well with all the crooked bankers in the county! To put it simply, Camo-Carl was a massive pain in the butt! Especially when inebriated! Goes around and beats up on helpless old ranchers who have done nothing wrong! This is something that Camo-Carl does simply because he can! Nobody in the town had the balls to put him in his place!

Hell! There's no way Camo-Carl doesn't tip the scales at well over 275 pounds and has as much admiration as a Mississippi outhouse in the heat of July during the county rodeo! Well! I'll be a some-bish!

"He's great!" Chester lowered his gaze to the old wolf. "Jesus adores my sons! I'm certain of it! And... He also adores you Mister Chump and Valkyrie, too!"

Valkyrie's tired old face suddenly lit up with a radiant grin. "Yes, Chester, he does! The Lord Jesus Christ cares deeply for every one of his devoted disciples."

"Carl is an extraordinary man!" Dude added. "Never believe otherwise!"

Camo-Carl had purchased three thousand acres of fertile topsoil land from a family in Kansas twelve years earlier and soon discovered the oil beneath. Now he was extremely content to be sitting at the top of Blueberry hill in Fort Collins, Colorado, in his enormous, seven thousand-square-foot beautiful log home! Simply amazing!

Alice's voice rang out as she entered Olé Pete's saloon. "WHY HOWDY PETE!" She greeted in her southern Arkansas accent. "A GOT'S A SHOT OF BOURBON BACK DARE FOR LITTLE OL' ME?"

As if by magic, Dude shot a glance up to Valkyrie and muttered emphatically, "I swear I just witnessed vocal porn!"

Valkyrie laughed aloud. "I know! She gets me hot under the collar too!"

Suddenly, "ALICE!" The old wolf bellowed. "COME OVER HERE AND SIT ON SANTA'S LAP, SAY'S THE LONELY LITTLE ELF!"

Alice smiled as she turned around. "I AIN'T FALLEN FOR DAT ONE AGAIN... YA NASSY BUZZARD!" she giggled.

"WELL, SHAMA-LAMA DING-DONG!" roared Dude in hysterics. "MAYBE NEXT TIME YOU WON'T BE SO LUCKY!"

As Dude turned to face Valkyrie, a huge smile spread across his face." BOY! That Alice is one bang-up girl!"

"I'm with ya... Horn-Dog! She's definitely a girl I could bang... I mean hook up with!"

Out of spite, Chester added, "YEP! She's hotter than a junkie's spoon!"

Smitten feelings were floating through the air that day! Sure enough, that's what it was!

"Would you mind doing me a favor, Valkyrie?" said the old bloke. "I mean... I guarantee you; it's nothing noteworthy!"

"Certainly! That is if I am able."

"I love how genuine you are, Valkyrie!" smiled Chester. "To ensure everything is well there, I was hoping you could stop by the hunting cabin up at Allegory Ridge."

Dude raised his head. "Hunting camp?" he inquired, perplexed. "What could go wrong with a basic hunting hut in the woods?"

"That ancient cottage of your boys?" Valkyrie shrugged, deciding there was no reason not to do the assignment. "Absolutely! We will leave for Missoula in the next day or two."

"YOU DON'T... AL-WAYS GET... WHAT-CHEW WANT! HUM... HUM... HUM!" sang Dude, jokingly, swinging his old butt with the song's rhythm.

Chester's face went expressionless.

"NAH-DAH!! Just jesting ya Chesty!" he admitted with a chuckle. "We can do it, just as long as we don't encounter unexpected rolling blackouts!"

Valkyrie froze. "The only rolling blackouts I am aware of are yours! That's only because you drink too damned much!"

Valkyrie took the old drunkard by the left arm as Dude searched the saloon, looking for action.

"Come on, Chester, let's get your old butt out of this dark corner and up to the bar so I can get you good and soused." Valkyrie suggested. "What are your thoughts, buddy?"

Chester gave a broad grin. "You will not hear me whining about that brilliant idea!"

An unannounced young woman's pleading voice came from behind the bar counter. After that, the crowd heard Dude as he sang a beautiful ballad that sounded remarkably like Whitney Houston's number one classic, "I Will Always Love You."

"ENOUGH OF YOU'S NASTY TALK, MANGY OLD MUTT!" Roared Alice in hysterics' backing away from the approaching and unpredictable horny old wolf.

"DUDE!" Valkyrie yelled loudly. "Let's not make assumptions; this is a saloon, not a brothel. Use proper etiquette!"

The old wolf appeared perplexed as he stared at his partner. "SOMEONE HELP THIS OLD FART OUT!" he shouted, "WHAT THE HELL'S THE DIFFERENCE, CUPCAKE!"

At the livery, Mister Chump was eating a pail of alfalfa and watching the storm clouds roll in. The temperature dropped unexpectedly, and he felt a nagging breath of moist air.

Just across the street was the "Dingo Dixie," a new family-run B&B that had opened its doors three weeks earlier.

It was a smaller-than-average Victorian mansion with three stories and a design unlike any other. Ivory white served as the backdrop for accents of deep purple, navy blue, rose pink, and candy apple red. Quite beautiful.

Then, Mr. Rubenstein, Garnet's lone banker, strolled out the enormous entrance door of the B&B and onto the dusty main street. This middle-aged man had the good looks of a much younger male. Being relentlessly pursued by the local single women who are hoping to woo him into marriage by showering him with flowers and modest presents.

"HEY!" Mister Chump hollered at him from across the way. "REG! STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING AND COME HERE!" He waved his long brown tail back and forth and shook his head firmly.

The perplexed banker shook his head and rerouted his steps. "Mister Chump?" he asked, cocking his head to one side as he neared the town's one and only talking thoroughbred!

"Mister Chump, big buddy! Is that really you?"

The old horse rolled his eyes. "WHO ELSE IN THE HELL WOULD IT BE?"

With a broad grin, Reginal Rubenstein responded sarcastically, "Hell! I thought your old butt was hide glue years ago!" He chuckled loudly. "How have you been, old boy?"

"It's only been three months, YOU CRETIN! Have you seen Penny tied up anywhere recently?"

"Galloways, mare?"

Mister Chump rolled his eyes once more in frustration. "COME ON, REGGIE! COLLABORATE WITH ME, YA DAMNED FOOL! YES! THE MARE PENNY!"

Reginal responded slowly because he struggled to find the right words to explain. "No. I apologize for the inconvenience. Your Penny has still not been located. And nobody knows who this old man Galloway is."

The thoroughbred lowered his head in disappointment. "Figures!" He grumbled.

"You're still seeing images of her, aren't you?"

"She's not an image, Reggie!" Mister Chump was a firm believer. "She's the real deal! And one day, she and I will prove it to you!"

In all actuality, Mister Chump's severe psychosis truly upset Reginal as he felt sad for the old horse. "I'm sure you will, Mister Chump," he said quietly. "AND! YOU'LL SHOW US EVERYTHING! SOMEDAY SOON!"

Mister Chump smiled with a hardy chuckle. "I'm also going to take that butt of yours up to my secret gold mine, too!"

While exploring the wide Cradle valley, Mister Chump imagined he had run into a stunning young Palomino mare named "Pumpernickel Penny." He claimed he and Penny had found an old gold mine in the foothills that he felt was long lost somewhere in time. He imagined it to be some sort of wormhole into some other time and mundane dimension.

"The nuggets in the cave are the size of my hoof!"

"YOUR HOOF?" Reginal laughed.

"THAT IS WHAT I AM HERE TO TELL YOU!" Mister Chump rolled his lazy eyes, disgusted at the stupidity of some humans. "Whatever, Reggie!"

At that very moment, a deep bellow ripped through the alley, suggesting a rapid outbreak of fighting. "HENERY! PUT DOWN THAT DAMNED GUN, IGNORANT FOOL!" An elderly man called out from somewhere out of sight. "YA LOOK'N TAH GET YER ASS SHOT OFF?"

"OOPS! He said the 'DAMNED' word!"

Reginal stepped out of the livery's entrance in awe and onto the dusty street. "That sounded like old Max Yates!"

He approached the alley's entrance and peered down the narrow, rustic alleyway. "MAX! ARE YOU IN SOME SORT OF TROUBLE?"

"DEVIN! GET OFF THE GROUND AND PUT AWAY THAT WIDOW-MAKER!" Max was referring to his buddy's Smith & Wesson Model 29. His old friend was staggering back and forth, foolishly waving the dangerous weapon.

"Don't ignore your intuition, Reginal!" Mister Chump advised his human friend, following close behind.

"MAX!"

The elderly man recognized the banker's voice as he abruptly turned around. "Howdy, Reggie!"

"What's the big deal Ole boy?" asked Chump, wiping grain dust from his lips onto the back of Reginal's left shoulder.

"DUDE! Seriously, what gives?"

A grin spread across the talking horse's face as he stood there. "Pardon me, CORN-HOLE! Me, not DUDE! Me, be MISTER CHUMP! You, psychotic or summing?"

Reginal ignored his friend's inappropriate behavior and returned his attention to the elderly guy in front of him. "I am sorry...!"

"Besides! At least 950 pounds separates my big ass from your puny...!"

"He has a valid point, Reg!" Interrupted Max!

Devin rolled onto his belly and re-holstered his long barrel pistol. "Where dah hell's ma beer?"

Mister Chump chuckled, "The empty pitcher is a way the hell over there. And your ass is drinking what's left of your beer!"

Reginal burst out laughing, slapping old Max hard on the back and nearly sending the old feller face down in the dirt.

"GADS! GRANDPA SET IT ON FIRE!" yelled Devin, taking a bit of a surprise.

A startled look came from Mister Chump's direction, and he directed it toward old Max! "How many drinks have that damned fool had today?

"Actually, I do not know!" exclaimed Max. "I can't remember the last time I saw him sober, to tell the truth!"

Mister Chump shook his head vigorously as a warning! "He'd better watch himself, or he'll get too carried away with that crap and end up like my partner Dude!"

As a result, Reginal's smile broadened to its maximum. "Do you really think he's lost that much common sense?"

"He has a valid point, Mister Chump!"

Reginal inquired, clearly taken aback. "That would be mind-blowing if it were true! If ya ask me!"

Devin gradually regained enough composure to stand once again. He staggered over and reclaimed his pitcher on wobbly legs, then promptly returned to Ole' Pete's saloon through the back alley entrance.

Max is now dissatisfied. "I'm not sure what happened to him to cause such a dynamic shift," he stated. A bit, his heart broken. "Devin was such a responsible, well-liked rancher in the area."

"I hear you, Max!" Mister Chump guffawed. "Dude is struggling through tough times, as well."

"Yeah! I remember when Devin used to parade around town like he was the High Plains Drifter!" Max fondly remembered. "Really unfortunate."

"Same thing happened to Benny last year!" Mister Chump bellowed!

Reginal spun around. "Benny? Are you referring to old man Fisher's prize pig?"

"The very one! He drank excessively, and the old lady kicked his fat ass out of the pen! "

"No way!"

"I'm not kidding!"

"Why, that's horrible!" exclaimed a perplexed Max.

"She's an ornery old sow!" Confirmed, Mister Chump. "I'm here to tell ya!" Max, ever sympathetic, remarked, "Well, that's a shame!"

Reginal was becoming completely perplexed. "Oh, I thought they were going to have piglets!"

Mister Chump laughed uncontrollably. "They were until he opened his FAT mouth!"

"How's that?" Max inquired.

"He claimed he needed practice runs!"

"OMG!" exclaimed Reginal, snickering. "What happened after that?"

"She kicked his ass out!"

Reginal rubbed the crown of his head and asked, "FOR WANTING TO PRACTICE MAKING BABIES? What's going on here?"

Again, Mister Chump chuckled. "He was planning on hitting home runs with that nasty old sow next pen over!"

"GROSS!"

"GOOD GOD, YOU TWO!" snarled Max as he walked away from the conversation. "GROW UP! FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!"

"NO CHIT!" Chump concurred. "The juice sure as hell ain't worth the squeeze!"

"That's for dad-burn sure!"

"THAT'S IT!" Max groaned as he faded from sight. "Enough, tah, gag a damned maggot!" They could hear him bellow from all the way around the Tack Shop.

"I almost gave in. But I held back what was really on my mind!" Reginal laughed.

"LIGHTWEIGHT!" Mister Chump groaned as he headed back to the stable.

By the time Valkyrie paid the massive bar tab and hauled Dude out of the saloon, having him persuaded he had had plenty of chalk beer, it was after 1 in the morning.

"Dude, seriously! Let's leave! "Pointed out Valkyrie, standing in the middle of the street next to Mister Chump.

Alice yelled at the old wolf, "NOW YOU'S RUN ALONG, GOOFY OLD FART! BEHAVE YOU'S-SELF FOR ONCE!" as she fought to leave the saloon.

Staggering and bewildered, Dude called out to her, "Where am I supposed to go at this time of dah morning? S.O.B.!"

Reginal walked up from behind Valkyrie and Mister Chump. "What the heck does the initials S.O.B. refer to? That's not what I'm thinking, right?"

Inwardly, Valkyrie let out a chuckle. "Nope! Not if you ask that senile old drunkard wolf over there! According to him it means, SLIDE OVER BITCH!"

Reginal collapsed unexpectedly, falling to the dusty street, howling with laughter! He also drank heavily that night.

Mister Chump looked down at his helpless companion, who was rolling hysterically. "Sure take little effort to entertain this damned fool!" He threw a glare at Valkyrie. "Now we have two drunk dumb-asses to drag home! Thanks a lot, Val!"

Valkyrie reared back with a massive grin, saying something like, "Life is a bitch!"

Dude finally made his way to the group, talking to himself the whole time.

"How are you feeling, old boy?" Valkyrie asked with an enormous grin.

Dude looked upward, singing, "Sh-mooth sh-ide down! Sh-ticky sh-ide up!"

Mister Chump's bewildered gaze shifted to Valkyrie. "Hell's that supposed to mean?" Neither had any idea!

end of act I

act II

Kraken-Fartz Tarot

The Misfits ended up hanging out in a neighboring town the following evening.

"VAL! IF YOU THINK YOU CAN BLAST ALL DEM ENGINES, YOU'RE PLUMB CRAZY!" Hollered Dude, wo was previously sitting on his haunches, now jumping up onto his hind legs! He was now in a perfect position to observe the impending disaster!

"That is undeniably true!" Valkyrie steadied his shot and aimed for the head of the closest charging renegade Indian on a black and brown horse. "Now, shut up! Trying tah concentrate!"

Dude was clearly getting overly ecstatic about the incoming events, as evidenced by his rapid outbursts of panting. Suddenly, he let out a bark. "SHOOT EM, VAL! YER GUNS' OUT RIGHT?"

"NOW, DUMB-ATH!" Mister Chump encouraged, over Valkyrie's right shoulder!

BLAMO!

The red skin warrior flew from his horse as the long-barrel rifle spoke its mighty word of the dead, delivering a powerful shot to the natives' crotch!

"OMG!" Roared Dude in amazement! "NO MORE MAKE-N-BACON FOR THAT LITTLE PIGGY!"

Mister Chump roared with laughter!

After what seemed like only seconds, Valkyrie spoke out. "Not a... NICE SHOT! I was aiming at his noggin!"

In that very instant, three more Indian braves appeared out of nowhere and looked extremely dangerous!

One warrior rode with a ridiculously long spear, and the other carried a long-barrel rifle. They both tried to get a good enough aim on Valkyrie to fire as they got closer.

"SERIOUSLY, VAL! THE HELL YA WAITING FOR?" Demanded the old wolf, still standing straight and erect, watching the unfolding drama with impatience.

Valkyrie felt a bead of sweat on his forehead, which was more of a worry than he had expected, given that he was not the best shot. Instead of fighting, Valkyrie would talk things out more than fight!

"VAL! YOUR'E RUNNING OUT OF TIME!" Mister Chump drooled from the excitement.

Valkyrie went out in a blaze of glory, firing three quick rounds and killing the two scary renegades, leaving one remaining to deal with.

"VAL! FLUSH THAT TURD!" Dude shouted. "HE'S A LIGHT-WEIGHT! SEEN HIM FLOATING IN THE NEIGHBOR'S POOL THE OTHER DAY!"

Mister Chump bellowed with laughter, lips flapping as he sent a spray of spit down the back of Valkyrie's neck!

A crowd now began forming around three Montana Misfits. "ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL, SHOT, MISTER!"

BLAMO! Valkyrie eliminated the third savage. Knocking the native from his mount just a few feet from where they were standing.

As the carnival worker approached Valkyrie with a selection of prizes, the crowd erupted in applause. "Would you prefer the big bunny rabbit or the skunk twins?"

"TAKE THE BUNNY, VAL!"

"NO! I'M AFTER THE SKUNK TWINS, CHUMP!" Dude barked irritably. "I'LL GIVE YOU ONE!"

"BUT DUDE! THE BUNNY IS NEARLY TREE FEET TALL!"

In frustration, Dude looked up, "LOOK, CHUMP! I'VE ALREADY HAD TO FORGO THE COTTON CANDY BECAUSE OF YOU!"

"Oh my God!" Valkyrie looked down at his pathetic partner.

"THE SKUNKS, PLEASE!"

Dude took the stuffed animals with open arms and began singing like a little kid. "CALL ME BLACK! CALL ME WHITE! CALL ME ANYTHING YA LIKE! JUST DON'T CALL ME LATE FOR... THE PAR-TAY!"

The three had not known they were standing in front of an unsecured fruit vending kiosk, which had grabbed the attention of one youngster roaming the streets seeking mischief.

A little boy, around 8, dashed to what appeared to him as Valkyries booth. "What kind of fruit do you have for sale, mister?"

Mister Chump looked down. "Apples from horses! Now get lost!"

"I've never heard of horse apples before. They have a big sound to 'em!"

"Yer about as bright as a one watt light bulb aren't cha kid!"

Mister Chump took a step to the side. "YA! BIG TASTE, TOO! I left a couple in the back alley over there!"

Mister Chump nodded his head in an easterly direction. "Don't be concerned, they're free, so take them and don't come back!"

"WOW, THAT'S AWESOME!" The kid yelled with joy before running off to collect his prizes.

"HEY DUMB-ATH!' Mister Chump shouted as he saw Dude escape along Great Falls' main street, both prize skunks securely gripped in his teeth.

Great Falls was a slightly larger western town in Montana about a day's ride north of Garnet. "ONE OF THOSE IS MINE!"

Horses that can converse surprised the residents of this town. Especially those who enjoy chasing old wolves through city streets. That must have been quite a sight for those who witnessed it.

Valkyrie is an exception! That sort of nonsense was par for the course for him.

Dude sprang up onto the dusty boardwalk and sprinted into the town's lone saloon. Now inside, he was safe from the ravings of the old horse.

Everyone stopped to watch the old wolf strut up to the bar. "GET THE HECK OUT OF HERE!' The obese old bartender demanded. "SHOO! OFF WITH YOU!"

Dude carefully placed his prize skunks on the wooden floor in front of him and dragged himself up onto the counter with his front paws." SHUT UP, JACK-ASS! A BOWL OF COLD CHALK BEER, PLEASE!"

From the corner of his right eye, Dude noticed something peculiar to his extreme right. This was something utterly new to him.

He stepped away from the counter and walked up to the odd object, where he read the label out loud. 'The Enchanting Music Box of Davy Jones.'

"HEY! BAR KEEP!" barked the old wolf. "THE HELL IS THIS THING?"

The old bartender popped his head up from under the counter; where was he storing extra bottles of Rum. "It's a music box! The hell's it look like?"

Dude studied the large item carefully. However, still baffled. "What's it do?"

"Plays music!"

"Well, how's it work?"

The old bartender poked his head from underneath the bar for a second time. "It plays music when wound up."

Dude looked over the big thing carefully but didn't understand its purpose. "Then what happens?"

"What the hell did I just say?" Dude clearly irritated the bartender at this point." Sounds of music erupt from within it!"

"WELL! I DONT KNOW THESE THINGS!"

The bartender brought his big, muscled hands down to his hips. "WIND IT UP BY TRNING THE HANDLE ON THE LEFT SIDE AND IT WILL PLAY!" He bellowed! "JACK-ASS!"

Dude cast a malicious glare toward the obese elderly man in an instant. He puffed out his old but powerful hairy chest. "BETTER CHECK YOURSELF! I AINT TOO OLD TO KICK YOUR FLABBY, GERIATIC BUTT!"

The overweight bartender shook his head in disbelief and pointed urgently toward the door. "And you can leave my saloon right this second!"

Dude jumped to his hind legs, fists out, pumped up, and ready for his first heavyweight fight! "BRING THAT OLD PUFFING BUTT OUT HERE!"

Laughter erupted from the bartender. "It's not that I don't appreciate your offer, but I'm a lover, not a fighter!"

Valkyrie made his first announcement to the group as he made his way to the tavern's counter. "HEY, CALVIN!" It was notable to all, especially to his irate old pal. "How ya been?"

The bartender, doing his best to ignore the psychotic old wolf in his direct line of sight, now turned his attention onto Valkyrie. "Same as normal, Val!" The man responded respectfully. "If you're not counting tonight."

Valkyrie placed his palms and elbows on the counter's surface and examined the liquor. "Is that true? And why is this so?"

The elderly man laughed to himself. "I don't consider arguing with an old battered wolf to be a typical business day!"

Valkyrie rolled his tired eyes and smiled childishly. He muttered something like, "Experience living with him!"

"I heard that!"

"How encouraging, Dude!" Laughed Valkyrie as he opened his bar tab! "Pitcher of Seychellois ale for me and a pale of caulk beer for the mutt!" A minute later, a mini-bucket of beer appeared at Dudes' feet.

"Wake up, Val! What would you do if I weren't around?"

Valkyrie opened fire! "Well! When you put it like that, I'd...!"

"DON'T ANSWER THAT!" Yelped Dude between laps.

"AWE! C'mon, Dude! Don't even bother with your phony low self-esteem excuses!" Valkyrie reached for a basket of shelled beer nuts on the counter to his right." Just relax and have fun, for Pete' sake!"

"Yeah! Well, I have the buoyancy of butterflies and the stickiness of bees!"

Calvin scratched his head. "Hells that supposed to mean?"

Valkyrie chuckled. "Dude's mental instability is bipolar! He means to say, that he Floats like a butterfly! And stings like a bee! Seems to botch it up every time!"

The bartender was unimpressed and went back to work, mumbling, "Idiotic blather!"

"DON'T YOU BE JUDGING ME AN CHIT!" Dude yelled sarcastically.

"YEAH, YEAH!" Calvin hollered back from somewhere in the storage room. "YOU'RE NO DIFFERENT FROM A BASKET OF USED COTTON DIAPERS! SELF ABSORBANT AND FULL ON SHIT!"

Valkyrie laughed so hard that he nearly fell off his stool, all while trying not to choke on his peanuts! "FORK ME, MAN!" he exclaimed!

The prospect of having to rejoin the trail frustrated Valkyrie. Everything may calm down and become more tolerable in the distant future. But I have my serious doubts! Valkyrie's fantasies ran fancy-free!

"Calvin! Can I also get a couple shots of Arimathea when you get a minute?

From the back storage area, "Do you lean toward green or blue, Val?"

"Green, of coarse! Blue one for Dude, please!"

Just then, Valkyrie heard Mister Chump yelling for his attention from the sidewalk of the main street. "VAL, EXIT YOUR ARSE OUT HERE!" That was the second time he'd heard it!

In a matter of seconds, Valkyrie and Dude had arrived at the tavern's front swinging doors. "What's up, Mister Chump?"

"Come over here, Val." Chump directed. "It's been about 5 minutes now, but I think I just spotted someone you know getting off the Flamingo stagecoach."

Dude looked up. "WHO?"

Mister Chump said in a romantic yet poetic French accent. "It was Charlotte Charlettah herself who uttered the infamous words."

Dude laughed, a little taken aback! "HEY! THAT WAS SUPERB!"

Valkyrie cast Mister Chump a cursory glance. "You take your psycho pill this morning?"

"Do you have a cat with your tongue? HUM?"

Dude shook his head. "The phrase is... Has a cat got your tongue? DIP-SHIP!"

Mister Chump gave Dude an evil eye for his insults. "Of coarse, you realize, this means war!"

"You're trying to suggest that Charlotte Charlettah got off the coach here! In Great Falls?" Exclaimed Valkyrie! "My Charlotte Charlettah?"

The affable grin that the old horse made was absolutely PRECIOUS! "NO! I'm not making any suggestions to you, my old buddy!"

The psychotic old horse batted his long eyelashes, ending with a wink! "I'M TELLING YOU! YA... DUMB-ASS!"

Dude's eyes widened in temptation. "Now it's your turn to take a chance!" He proposed. "So get your groove move on, Cupcake! That's the idea!"

"YEAH! Val, it's time to take that leap of faith!" agreed Mister Chump!

Valkyrie's face broke into a frown of frustration. "Could! Yes, I concur. But I don't think I care too much about being rejected. Once more."

"Get to work, then! Don't miss out on the fruits of your labor!" Makes perfect sense coming from a horny old, deranged wolf!

"BULL! The only thing I am missing out on is that fresh pitcher of ice-cold beer that I just ordered." Valkyrie turned abruptly around. "Enough with the nonsense." He muttered as his thoughts of returning to his stool at the tavern counter were hot on his mind.

Last year the Montana Misfits rescued an exquisite well-known French theater actress named Charlotte "Wee-Wee" Charlettah from an overturned stagecoach mishap.

The prairie schooner had lost its right rear wheel and toppled onto its side while crossing the Jackie Kemp bridge ten miles north of Great Falls, Montana, just a year before. The vehicle eventually slipped into the Fork Irksome River, trapping the damsel.

The maiden would have perished if it hadn't been for Mister Chumps' excellent hearing and Dudes' exceptional vision.

"OMG!" Dude roared! "DID YOU JUST SEE THAT COACH BOUNCE OFF INTO THE RIVER? OR AM I SEEING THINGS, OR WHAT?"

Mister Chump quickly turned to run to find Valkyrie, who was exploring an opening into the Earth that appeared more like a vortex on calm waters. "NO! BUT I SURE AS HELL HEARD IT!" He bellowed over his shoulder in a mad dash.

By the time Valkyrie arrived at the accident, the rising water had forced the dear actress to find a large air pocket inside the coach to get a limited supply of air.

The old man jumped into the river instantly, a strong rope cinched around his hips and tied to Mister Chump's saddle.

He finally convinced the jammed coach door to open, and instantly, he grabbed Charlotte by both ankles. He dragged her weakening body back thoroughly into the water, pressing her firm and safe into his mighty chest.

As soon as Valkyrie's head broke the surface of the swiftly moving water, he yelled at the top of his lungs. "PULL, CHUMP! PULL!"

"DON'T JUST STAND THERE!" Dude scorned. "PULL! YA DIP-SHIP!"

Mister Chump fired back, giving a mild tug on the rope. "I AM PULLING… DUMB-ATH!"

Charlotte "Wee-Wee" Charlettah had lost all consciousness and was barely breathing by the time the Valkyrie escaped the river's vicious grasp. He removed the mud and grass from her eyes and face by laying her flat on the grass. "Dude! Please grab my canteen off of the saddle."

Immediately, the old Wolf retrieved the item along with a small leather nanny goat bag containing a clean bath towel and clothing for Valkyrie.

The beautiful actress, who looked years younger than she actually was, opened her weak eyelids after a soft sweep of the washcloth.

"Oh!" Charlotte responded, almost in tears. "My neck hurts so much!"

"CRAP!" exclaimed a stressed-out Dude. "DON'T JUST SIT THERE! DO SOMETHING, VAL!"

The old mountain man cast a glance over his right shoulder. "I'll get right on it!"

Valkyrie reached out with his left hand and gently cupped the woman's neck, feeling anything abnormal. Everything in the rear appeared to be OK, he decided. Satisfied, Valkyrie turned back to Dude. "Can you get my flask, please?"

"Absolutely!" Dude yelled and sprinted away.

Well. After the young, platinum-blonde-haired woman received the proper medical attention, everything worked out fine. She also needed adequate sleep in her warm, cozy hotel room bed. But that was then.

"Another pitcher?" The rotund bartender asked as he wiped down the bar's countertop.

Valkyrie drew his long hair out from his eyes and looked down at Dude, who was halfway through his fourth pale of beer. "How ya doin?"

Dude slowly raised his head, looking dizzy. "No doubt about it! Need more!" He slurred. "I have a severe alcohol deficiency! Besides, It's only 8:30! Night is still young!"

"Did you forget that we still need to gather supplies for the upcoming journey?"

Dude raised himself until he firmly pressed his paws against the polish counter. "BAR KEEP! NEED A REFILL!"

Calvin was on the ball; he may never understand how an old wolf could consume so much alcohol. Made little sense to the chubby senior fellow. "You sure?"

Dude looked over to his partner in crime, who was relaxing on his elbows to his right. "I have not fallen yet! Have I?"

Valkyrie smiled broadly, but his gaze never left the large polished black walnut framed mirror ahead. "Nope!" He was too smart to pick a fight with an inebriated, bipolar wolf! It wasn't worth his time and had never gotten him anywhere in the past, anyway.

According to Valkyrie, he was far too old to be unduly concerned with bizarre things such as a bipolar wolf and schizophrenia horse for business partners.

A broad hand slapped Valkyrie's dusty back at that precise moment. "HOW YA BEEN, MISTER NICOLZAH?" yelled Hal Yelp, a drunken, much larger elderly cowboy.

The abrupt push of Hal's left hand almost caused the old mountain man's nose to collide with the countertop. Vladimir Nicolzah was not a tremendous fellow.

"Is bounty hunting still your profession?"

Valkyrie's face fell silent as the days and actions of his past often haunted him. "No." He replied in a low, quiet voice. "I went into my style of business." Valkyrie looked down at Dude. "That is, my two remarkable friends and I!"

Hal slapped the bar counter hard and yelled, "Calvin, my good friend. Cold beer when you get a chance!"

"WILL DO!" The bartender yelled back from the depths of the back storage room,

Mister Chump was getting restless at the stable as he stood around, looking at the twilight sky for too long.

It wasn't long before he wandered the maze of back streets at the extreme end of Great Falls, eventually staring at the Carrabelle statue fountain. It astounded him that man had the incredible ability to create such a marvel.

"How in the hell did they form marble like that?" He muttered to himself.

"With a mallet, various sharp chisels and very fine grit sanding paper." A soft feminine voice spoke from around the giant statue, safely out of sight of the old horse.

Mister Chump's head cocked to one side. "Is that true? I'll pay the price!"

Out of the shadows stepped the ravishing Miss Charlotte Wee-Wee Charlettah in all her glory.

This was a thrilling event for the elderly, psychotic horse! "OH! It's you, Miss Wee-Wee! Wow, I did not know!"

"Sure is! Humble little ole me!" Charlotte made a tween-enjoy giggling sound. "I've never witnessed a horse showing signs of embarrassment before! WOW, YOU ARE ADORABLE!" She said with a seductive wink. "I LIKE!"

Mister Chump chuckled. "OH, NO! My saddle. Its heavy and I'm quite tired." He explained. However, from where Charlotte was standing, there didn't appear to be any saddle on his back.

"AWE! Chumpy got a BOO-BOO!" She teased. "Want Wee-Wee to rub it for you?"

Mister Chump took another step back. "Well, ma'am! It goes something like this...!"

"Chumpy, don't even say another word! I'd like for you to take me for a long ride under these lovely stars!"

Mister Chump choked. "A RIDE?" He smiled. A split second later. "OH! You're talking about ah... horseback ride! Yep. Sure ma'am! I'm honored!"

Charlotte clapped her hands sharply before walking away toward the "TYSON." Great Falls is the one and only hotel on the main street. There she would change clothing. "I'll return in a moment, my darling!"

Mister Chump remained silent. Taken aback by what had just happened. "Boys back at the stable ain't gonna believe this chit!" he muttered in a low voice with a bit of pride.

A short while later, the young French actress reappeared, this time donning a pair of dark blue jean bib-overalls and a white daisy-print blouse.

"What do you think, Chumpy?" She asked as she put on a black leather sharpshooter cowboy hat.

The old horse's eyes popped out. "WOW! WHAT A DIFFERENCE, MISS WEE-WEE! You certainly appear to be prepared, that is for certain!"

Charlotte giggled softly as she climbed the fountain's base until she was high enough to slide her delicate leg across Mister Chumps' naked back.

"Stay put, sweetie!" She grabbed a lock of his primary and used it as an excellent old-fashioned pull-up rope.

The old thoroughbred cast a befuddled glance over his right shoulder. "Ah! Excuse me, ma'am. But wouldn't you feel more comfortable if you had a decent saddle to sit in?"

"NON! SILLY! I can handle life without a soft saddle under me bum!" She gave him a subtle wink. "Tonight we go bareback, Baby!"

Once again, Mister Chump became red in the face.

Charlotte wrapped her dainty arms around the old horse's neck and hugged him warmly as she whispered into his right ear. "Why don't you give up the shooting people's business and come work with me in the theater business?" Charlotte's suggestion made perfect sense to her. "We would make such a lovely duo! Do you not agree?"

"Well! It's kind of like this ma'am...!"

"Besides! You'd be well-known! You're the only talking horse, that I am aware of!"

Mister Chump averted his gaze. "It's quite a story, ma'am! Please don't ask!"

With that, the reunited buddies left town, disappearing into the night for a secret destination only those two knew of. AWE!

The evening entertainment at the bar was picking up as more customers wondered.

"Let's get some more peanuts over here, Calvin!" Dude slurred as he staggered back to Valkyrie's table near the saloon's back exit. "Juss thay-en!"

The chubby old bartender peered out from behind the bar counter, restocking cases of Rye beer into the cooler. "I TAKE YOUR REQUEST INTO ACCOUNT!" he sarcastically exclaimed as he resumed his nightly work. Without warning, he jerked his head back into sight. "JUSS THAY-EN!" He mocked!

Valkyrie laughed heartily.

By this time, the town's loyal saloon patrons had filled the tavern with plenty of time to get their drink on!

Unfortunately, the Kenney brothers, Larry and Oscar, were there. They both seemed to have an irrational dislike of Valkyrie and his foolish profession.

"Add a couple of shots of bourbon to the tab as well, Calvin!" pleaded Oscar, the younger brother, 45 years old, three years shy of Larry.

An enthusiastic "YEAH, CALVIN!" Said Larry loudly. "THERE IS NO DAY LIKE THE PRESENT!" There was a scowl on his face.

The Kenney brothers were well-liked by the community because they supplied all the folks with plenty of premium Angus beef to sink their teeth into.

When Oscar was tipsy, he was the one to monitor him. He was very brash and had an air of excellent disposition about him. He loved a good debate, especially on topics he was vaguely familiar with.

Suddenly, Larry noticed Valkyrie sitting in the corner, talking animatedly with an old acquaintance named Jeb Hilbert.

Tall, scrawny Jeb began dating Valkyrie's elder cousin on his mother's side 20 years ago. Unfortunately, by the time an entire season had passed, they had become mortal enemies for reasons known only to themselves.

Interestingly, it was around this time that the locals noted a sizable and permanent knot on the right side of Jeb's head, which had not been present before the two lovers' untying.

Larry quickly made his way through the crowd, standing directly in front of Valkyrie and Jeb's table. "I want a word with you a bit later, Val." Then returned to the counter.

Valkyrie glanced with dismay at Jeb, shrugging his shoulders.

Dude had only just emerged from passing out. "DAMN! Is it possible that I... Stella-fleep?" As an excuse, he belched loudly and impolitely.

Jeb cast a quick glance to the floor between his legs. "Why, there's my little pal!" He greeted her with a warm smile. "What are you doing down there? Come on up!"

Dude struggled to jump up onto the wooden bench, but he ultimately made it. "How do, Jeb! Still in the farrier line of work?"

"Of course! And I see you're still in the party animal business!"

The old drunk Wolf took a large swig of excellent beer from Jeb's pitcher. "I'm only doing what comes naturally!"

"That's what he does for a living, and he's excellent at it!" Validated Valkyrie with a grin.

Dude cast an irritated glance at his buddy, then quickly looked away.

"Don't give me that, Deer in the headlights... bull-shit!" Valkyrie warned. "It's common knowledge that if you died tomorrow, this tavern would go bankrupt!"

"DAMN!" shouted Jeb, laughing and clapping his hands! "Wow! That is some serious shit!"

Dude rolled his bloodshot eyes and licked the froth off his lips. "Don't take the wrong impression, Jeb! My time is precious! Fairness dictates that I aim for nothing less than absolute perfection!"

"SHIT!" Jeb laughed, slapping Dude on the back. "Must be a hybrid, eh?"

"NO! Just devoted to excellence!"

Gunshots rang out in the street, startling the tavern patrons who raced outside to see what the ruckus was about.

Surprised loved ones of a young Hispanic couple who had just eloped found out that the event was really a bridal fair. By the conclusion, Valkyrie, Jeb, and Dude were rejoicing and discharging all six rounds from their sidearms, making them among the happiest people there.

A beautiful, brilliant red rose lay next to Dude's left paw. The elderly, generous Wolf took it up and presented it to the gorgeous bride-to-be.

The girl welcomed the generous gift with a "Gracious, lovely Wolf! Are you a domestic or a wild one with rabies?"

Dude's shaggy mug broke into a wide smile. "Well, ma'am... here's how it works! You, by chance on the hunt for a loving, faithful lap wolf?"

"He's with me, young lady, and he won't hurt you!" Valkyrie interrupted with a pleasant smile. "He is bipolar, with an exceptionally high amount of testosterone ma'am. But no rabies, thank the Lord!"

The bride-to-be smiled broadly as she joined her extended family, who were already drinking and feasting on delectable Hispanic cuisine.

Dude raised his eyes to Valkyrie cautiously. "A solemn oath! It's like nobody cares about me!"

Mister Chump looked down at Dude, hoping to him catch him off guard. "Hey... DUMB-ATH!"

Dude rattled his head and looked up!

"What do you call a nose without a body?"

Dude, perplexed by the strange question, decided it would be easier if he just went along with the psychotic old horse. "What exactly are you rambling about?"

"Well...! First I addressed you by your rightful title! Then I asked, What do you call a nose without a body?"

The elderly wolf shook his head and rolled his eyes sarcastically. "It's a mystery to me. WHAT?"

The old horse turned and walked away, "NOBODY KNOWS!" He let out a BOOMING laugh!

"OMG!" shouted Dude! "NOW WHO'S THE DUMB-ATH?"

The wolf cleared his throat to spit out his joke, which was terrible. "TELL ME, HOW DO MY JOKES DIFFER FROM YOUR PENS?"

There was a long pause in the conversation.

"AH! I DON'T KNOW?" Replied Mister Chump. "THEY DON'T MAKE FUN OF MY PENIS, MAYBE!"

"OH SHIT!" Screamed Valkyrie, slapping himself across the forehead!

"AT LEAST I'M NOT MAKING ANYTHING UP IN MY JOKES! JACK-ASS!" Hollered Dude!

"GIVE IT UP! DUMB-ATH!"

Valkyrie turned and stumbled into Jeb, laughing hysterically on his way to a nearby park seat!

It was almost two thirty in the morning by the time the Montana Misfits finally put this party to bed. And it was Halloween!

Hiding away in a secluded corner of the livery stable, Mister Chump felt at peace. Valkyrie booked a place for his nap. Dude, however, was still missing in action somewhere!

Everyone in town had left their houses at eight o'clock that morning to do their routine business.

Dude saw a strange tiny store on the way out of town that didn't seem to be there the last time the Misfits passed through 'Great Falls.'

"Valkyrie! Take a look!"

The old mountain man looked up at a sign that hung just over a bit of business. 'Kraken Fartz Tarot Reading by Eva Fartz.'

"Let's go over your reading, Val!" Dude shouted, a little excited.

Valkyrie smiled. "OK!"

They soon settled Valkyrie and Dude comfortably in front of the tarot reader while Mister Chump peered through the open window. Soon the special ceromancy began.

"Sir, please come in! Have a seat!"

Following orders, Valkyrie set off with his trusty wolf by his side.

"In search of a short and easy reading?"

"AH! I've never ever tried one! Much pain?"

After the elderly woman finished picking her nose, "NAH SILLY!" Then, she extended her finger as if to show the old wolf something very important! "Would you look at the size of that crook!"

"COME ON, LADY!" Barked Dude as he slowly made his way back to the door. She then showed the old mountain man.

Valkyrie gave a cheerful smile. "By all means! Is this the end of my future reading?"

"First thing we must do is to cleanse the air." Ima explained as she lit a densely packed rack of sage.

"You fart?"

"No," snickered Valkyrie.

A few moments later she began.

"To me," She said as the last card lipped out of the deck. "You seem to be in a rut. So...!"

Something just wasn't right, she thought. The old lady shrugged her shoulders, replying, "Well! Hmm!" But made no other gestures.

"It's as though, theoretically, you messed up your development! The enormous, pulsating force within you, can certainly hold firm in its current location."

"Development? Enormous? Pulsating? That big talk ain't worth diddly squat!” insisted Dude! "Hell she talking bout?"

The old lady proved what she was saying was true by holding up a single tarot card. "Says so right here in the 5 of testicles card!"

Mister Chump laughed, nudging Valkyrie on the right shoulder. "FIVE TESTICALS, EH!"

It was wise of the old mountain man to stay silent about the peculiar thought.

"AND THOUGHT I WAS A STUD!"

Dude shook his head. "The, fu-did she just say? Hell she takin 'bout?"

Valkyrie shrugged his tired old shoulders. "Don't rightly know, Dude."

"Does that deck also have a King of Dumb-Asses?" Asked Mister Chump in a rude, yet nice way.

Ima giggled quietly yet declined to respond to the psychotic horse.

"OH! How exciting! I see a lot of potential for extreme excitement in your near future, Mister Nicolzah!"

"Better! Beings I've got a five shooter backing me up!"

"But this may not resonate at all with you, either." Ima cautiously explained. “Now you do have the 9 of Shield’s card here; however, do not let fear of the unknown haunt you, Sire!”

‘OH! Don't say that!’ Thought Valkyrie.

“Hell! I’m a family man! Bet your ath I'd take them 9 shield’s, if in I had five little… feller’s at home to protect!” Laughed Mister Chump shaking his big butt as he turned to leave. “I’ve had enough of this chit for one night!”

"PANDORA'S BOX, VAL! JUST WAIT IN TAH OPEN!" Dude howled.

Valkyrie surveyed the erupting chaos. "Reckon so!"

Later that evening, while lounging around their campfire, the Montana Misfits relaxed quietly, enjoying the aftermath of yet another steak dinner.

It was a joyous occasion, to be sure! "Day of the dead" was a lousy day stuck in Mister Chump's craw. He was not looking forward to the eerie happenings that he knew would start as soon as the sun went down.

Mister Chump has schizophrenic demons to fend against, including people and creatures not in sight only a few seconds before. He never really appreciated it because it was a victory over himself. As a result, he had no choice but to accept the inevitable.

The old horses' worst psychotic demon was a small, sawed-off devil named Hempy the Horrible, who resembled a cross between a rat and a pudgy troll with a foul morning breath. Not someone, the old horse, would have embraced with open arms if he showed up out of the blue. This severely damaged Mister Chump's low sense of self-worth.

"HEY! DUMB-ATH!" Bellowed Mister Chump. "DON'T BE FARTING NEAR THOSE OPEN FLAMES, LIKE THAT! YER GONNA CATCH YER ATH ON FIRE!" The old horse shook his head in amazement! "WANT TAH SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE DANGLING THE ASS END OF A BABOON?"

Wimpy let out a hearty laugh, but unfortunately, only Mister Chump was there to hear it.

There was a short pause.

"Not in particular!" Dude muttered calmly, sitting down on Valkyrie's cozy saddle blanket. "You want to spend the rest of your life dangling a boomerang!"

"GROSS!" Protested the little demon!

"There goes my favorite boomerang!" With a chuckle, Valkyrie continued. "If that were the case, you two turds might get some good laughs if you strolled into a busy town plaza!"

Mister Chump let out a boisterous chuckle! "I know he would!"

Suddenly, a figure emerged from the depths of the night. A spry elderly guy yelled, "Don't pull the trigger, Valkyrie!" as he entered the scene. Nothing except me, old pal!

As though surprised, Valkyrie straightened up in her chair. "To hell with it! Excuse me, Chief Brigantine! Come sit with me in front of the fire."

"Well howdy, Dude!"

Tucked down between Valkyrie's saddle and an old rotting stump was an ornery old wolf who didn't often welcome anyone. "Hello, Commander!"

Valkyrie kicked a piece of the chopped wood for the elderly Native American Chief to rest his weary posterior.

"I appreciate that very much, buddy!"

"You are quite welcome!" Valkyrie acknowledged with a warm, respectful smile.

"So! What do you think we'll witness on this dreadful night?" enquired the old Chief.

Dude's head suddenly appeared! Ears pricked up! "What makes tonight so special?"

"It's Halloween, stupid! You remember Halloween, don't you?" Valkyrie inquired.

Dude tilted his head to the side. "Halloween?" It was slowly dawning on him, but not at that very time.

"This is the one day of the year when no one questions the corpses swinging from your trees!" Reminded Chump.

Chump abruptly swung around and yelled right back at Wimpy! "Because there is nothing worse than desiring something and knowing you can never have it!"

Silently, Dude turned his gaze to Valkyrie.

"You alright, big buddy?" There was some worry in the elderly mountain man's voice as he made his plea.

"Hey! I'm perfectly well." Mister Chump said as he slowly turned and wandered out into the night. He seemed to be depressed about something.

Chump traveled from the campsite to the outskirts of town, where he stared blankly over the surface of the Lydgate river, which thrived all year.

He lowered his head, grateful for the fresh sparkling water that always brought him pressure. Red Huckleberries flourished along the banks, providing excellent feed for the elderly horse.

"Can you tell me what's upsetting you this morning perhaps, eh?" Wimpy inquired with anxiety. "You seem depressed today. Is that true?"

"There have been better days to wake up to." Mister Chump mumbled as he devoured a mouthful of delectable berries.

In quiet protest, the little demon places his hands on his hips. "Many thanks for all the fascinating amount of information. Pal!"

"I command the situation!" Mister Chump reassured him. "This time of year really bothers me is all."

In awe, Wimpy scratched the top of his head. He remembered the old horse racing through the hill last year, frightened and screaming at the top of his lungs! Mister Chump was trying to outrun the nasty attitude of an approaching old goat named Dick Cheney.

Unknowingly, Mister Chump felt it would be great if he soared as far as he could on every twentieth stride while simultaneously letting out a horrifying farting sound! Just as a warning to ward off his enemy closing in! (BLAH-HA-HA!)

Only Mister Chump and Hempy could glimpse the terrible old feller with the long ball-busting horns! Usually, Valkyrie and Dude would merely look at one other, puzzled by the eccentricities of their old psychotic, old horse companion!

"Did you run into Cheney again?

Mister Chump took a break from chomping. "Maybe."

Wimpy felt terrible for the sad old horse, but he could do nothing to help his loyal buddy. "

"Chump, why do you allow him to get to you? Will he not interact with you when you request it?"

Mister Chump sighed heavily. He only wants to have conversations on Halloween and taught me where to find Penny."

"Penny?"

Laugh out loud. "Pumpernickel Penny! My sweetheart! Remember?"

Wimpy paused for a while as he scowled into his memory in quest of the ideal virgin bride. "HECK YEAH! PENNY! That right there, Chump, is a picture-perfect specimen of a quaint little Philly! It's fantastic that you've finally located her!"

"Yeah! She's my little firecracker!" Mister Chump spoke with pride and a big smile. "She's a beauty!"

"That she is!"

"Yep! Ran across her one day while wandering down Deer Valley Road." Mister Chump threw his snout in the northerly direction as a signal. "Above the Kelsey prairie."

"Can that really be true! Is it your intention to tighten the bridle? Are ya, eh?

It surprised Mister Chump to hear something that silly! "Don't you think I'm awful old to tighten the bridle?"

"NAH-DAH!" Wimpy laughed. "With real love, my buddy, you're never too old!"

The old horse's muzzle suddenly had a big, friendly grin. "DANG! That's very upbeat, thank you! As always, Mister Wimpy, you're the one. You're not that horrible of a little fart!" They had a hearty guffaw together.

"Beside, Mister Chump! Just trust in Jesus, son! With your faith in him shall he deliver! Remember that!"

Mister Chump smiled once again! "You are so right, Wimpy! And I will!"

The old horse could make out Dude wandering through the woods, calling him in the darkness.

"OVER THIS WAY, DUDE!"

"CLAIRIFY THIS WAY! YA, DIP-SHIP!"

"I'd be happy to assist, but..." Wimpy deliberated thoughtfully. "BUT I'M NOT GONNA!" He laughed in an idiotic manner.

"RIGHT HERE, BUDDY!" Mister Chump hollered, wisely ignoring Wimpy.

"I suppose I've had enough Star Carr!" Dude roared with the worst stomach pain.

"What's wrong with you?" Mister Chump enquired somewhat reluctantly.

"Ate too many Star Carr. I'm not feeling well."

"Where the heck did you gain those?" Mister Chump's head inclined to one side. "There are no Star Carr in this region. It's just too chilly up here!"

"I guess you'd best squat over there on the grass." Advised the old horse.

Mister Chump turned back to Wimpy and restarted the discussion. "You know, Penny wrote me a love letter!"

"Is that true? So let's get started!"

"Reach under my blanket!" Chump proposed.

Wimpy leaped up, behaving more like a little kid than a ferocious little demon! He opened the letter and began reading the precious words.

'Dearest Chump' (you).

I (Penny) am looking forward to the long walk we (I, Penny, and you, Chump) are taking this afternoon!'

Wimpy came to a halt and stared blankly for a second before continuing.

"I (Penny) recall our first, (I Penny, and you Chump) AWE, COME ON! YOU SERIOUS! WHO THE HECK TALKS LIKE THAT?"

Mister Chump laughed.

"That letter was about as romantic as watching a drunk sailor crapping over the side of a tugboat while riding out a tsunami!" (BLAH... HA... HA!)

"YEAH! Your absolutely correct, Mister Wimpy!" Chump said with a hardy chuckle. "It's quite difficult to read!"

"TRY IMPOSSIBLE!" Shouted Wimpy.

Dude rolled over. "How revoltingly unpleasant that sounded! Whatever you're discussing!" Dude was about to throw up!

"Yeah! I'm sorry about that...!" Mister Chump froze rigidly without notice. Then it slammed into him like a ton of bricks!

Mister Chump lowered his gaze to the sick old Wolf. "Dude!"

A few seconds later.

"What?" Dude said without moving an inch.

"Did you hear two of us conversing or...?"

"Yes, I heard both of you! You should know that I'm not deaf!"

Mister Chump gave Wimpy a sidelong glance. "Well, I guess I'll be damned! If you share my insanity, how do you do it?"

Eventually, Dude slid over onto his side. "It's beyond my comprehension." He expressed the realization with anguish. "When I stop thinking about you, it usually occurs."

"Really?"

Dude had finally woken up and was ready to clarify. "It's as if I were swiftly making my way from the light towards the shadows. Suddenly I know exactly what you're experiencing in your mind and eyes."

Puzzled, Mr. Chump turned to Wimpy. "You can also observe that Mister Wimpy has a rather hideous appearance. Right!"

"HEY! Mister Chump! If you're in the mood to leap like a frog, take the plunge!"

The old horse laughed heartily, as shown by its loud roar! Whether he upsets the small devil is of no concern to him.

"Yeah. Mister Wimpy is in plain sight." Dude, relied upon, still not feeling great.

To put it mildly, that shocked Mister Chump! "I must admit it! You rank among the very best, in the Canidae family, my good buddy!"

"So there you have it!" Dexter chuckled as he shoved a cupcake into his hungry open mouth.

"I can find my way to your hidden cavern just as easily."

"I take it, it's no longer top secret, eh?" The old steed snickered.

Dude lowered his head onto the tops of his giant paws. "Do you think she'll be there if we go back?"

Mister Chump's old mug smiled brightly at the concept. "You can count on it, buddy!"

"THAT IS THE SPIRIT!" Dexter smiled. "I really like a good narrative with a HAPPY ENDING!"

Mister Chump shook his head and gazed down at the strange-looking rat. "SHUT UP! DUMB-ATH!"

Dude closed his wide gray eyes and chuckled. "Thank you, Chump! I can now sleep!"

Dexter's face changed to a glum frown. "What a jackass!"

"HEY!" Mr. Chump snapped! "WE DON'T SAY THE J- WORD IN THIS HOUSE!"

The old horse kicked the ground with his hoof. "DEXTER! THE EARLIER YOU LEARN THIS IMPORTANT KNOWLEDGE, THE BETTER OFF YOUR JOURNEY WILL BE AS WE TRAVEL THROUGH THIS DANGEROUS WORLD!"

Dexter tilted his head to the side. "Isn't there a simpler way of explaining that point?"

Dude suddenly flipped over onto his back! "No one can understand a word the crazy old fool is saying anyway, so what difference does it make?"

With a nod of the head! "True," the little demon admitted!

The air vibrated with sheer intensity, and there was a strange grinding sound above.

And then a commotion after that!

Seemingly out of nowhere, there was a deep rumble. There was all so a strong aroma of lavender and jasmine.

The ionosphere hosted an aurora visible in the night sky for untold miles. As though everyone was under attack by something invisible but palpably there.

Earth's souls welcomed a locked-up force.

It shook up Mister Chump, but he kept his cool. While this did not bother Dexter, it impacted all the animals on the planet.

Dude's head sprung with a wickless thrust through closed eyes! "WHOA!" he yelled in a loud voice! "LIKE... WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?"

The question went unanswered.

end of act II

Chapter II

Berry More Heights Time Bandits

Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9.

act I

"You people are aware of the regulations!" The speaker was blasting at total volume! "Don't go outside your bounds!" 

"In this society, exploiting other people for financial gain is not an option," Aubrey Rose said quietly. 

"But one of them could be the one!" Maxine Adel raised an eyebrow nervously. 

Aubrey Rose cocked her head to one side, a peculiar expression on her face. "YEAH! But, according to Brittney Leanne, nothing will come of the situation!" 

"Have faith Felix in your dreams!" Her younger sister exclaimed. 

Without warning, the loudspeaker went off again! "REMEMBER THE GAP! PEOPLE, REMEMBER! REMEMBER THE GAP!" 

"They'll be interested to hear about our recent activities!" Aubrey Rose shrugged her small shoulders in helplessness. "What, in that case?" 

Maxine Adel frowned and made a frustrated face. She knew that she and her 16-year-old sister were in a demanding situation. 

A big man in a dark military uniform walks up to an old man from behind, just to Maxine Adel's right. "AWAY FROM THE POST!" In a rage, he growled. 

"YOU SHOULD LEAVE HIM ALONE!" Thirteen-year-old Maxine Adel shrieked as she quickly shifted her body to shield the mysterious elderly man. 

"WOULD YOU LIKE TO VISIT THE EYE-BETH ROOM?" 

After a brief pause, Maxine Adel replied, "NO!" 

The military officer gave her a cold but stern look. "Then I recommend you put your ass back in place and stop using your smart aleck mouth!" 

"OH! UM!" Aubrey Rose was about to say something noteworthy but futile. Don't be concerned, Major. I will figure it out by myself. Sorry!" 

Maxine Adel experienced an awkward feeling. 

"What is it?" Aubrey Rose inquired. 

Maxine Adel raised her head in puzzlement as a divine message entered her thoughts. "It's Brittney Leanne!" 

"Brittney! What exactly did she say?" 

"She stated we will receive our confirmation in less than 24 hours!" 

"Confirmation? What about it? "Questioned Aubrey Rose, bewildered beyond belief. 

The size of Maxine Adel's eyes changed. "About our manifestation!" 

"WHAT! INDEED?" 

Maxine Adel abruptly shifted to the side. "WAIT! She's telling me we need to sanitize, first." 

Aubrey Rose gazed at her stained and ratty pair of jeans. Wow, what a mess, she thought. She made a caustic demand. "What do you sanitize with?" 

Huge gray eyes rolled in Maxine Adel's head. "STUPID, OUR DEVINE SPIRIT!" 

"WELL!" 

Again, the military officer did his rounds and gave the girl dirty looks as he passed. Yet said not a word. He did not like the energy of the Nicolzah sisters in the least. 

Confronting Aubrey Rose. "I despise him to no end!" 

The weird Officer strained Maxine Adel's nerves, causing fear seeping back in. She took a few Co-Co Puffs from her tiny black Nanny Goat handbag! Maxine Adel's favorite cuisine was usually something that let her relax. 

Aubrey Rose put a comforting hand on her little sister's shoulder and smiled affectionately. "It's alright! I am right beside you, sweetie!" 

What she told Maxine Adel to do was spot on. 

"Allow this to pass in time! Just don't let all of this get to you." 

"You're right, Felix." Maxine Adel quietly revealed that she was kicking at the steel decking of the launch platform. "I struggle every day just to survive in this God-forsaken crap hole!" 

"I know. So do I." Aubrey Rose readily agreed with a broad smile! "This time we're going all out!" 

"Yeah! This time full throttle!" 

The launch pad shook and rumbled as the Sherlock rolled by, only a few feet to the right. 

"How can they do that and never collide with anything?" Aubrey Rose inquired, scratching the back of her neck. 

"Electro-Hydro-Electrolysis," Maxine Adel replied, shifting her gaze elsewhere. 

Aubrey Rose rolled her beautifully blue eyes! "Whatever!" 

"Could I interest you young ladies in a "Nutt-Butter?" The grandfather asked, brandishing a little Elenore bag in green. 

At this, Aubrey Rose faced her little sister. "A Butt-nub-bu... BLAH! A Nutt-Butter? What's That?" 

"I don't know," her younger sister mumbled. 

With a grin, the wise old man advised. "They won't constipate you either!" 

"But perhaps just thinking about them would be sufficient!" Laughed, Maxine Adel. 

"No, thanks!" Aubrey Rose responded cheerfully. 

As the main doors opened, everyone saw a giant digital clock in the Transporter Compound flashing the current time. In the year 2066, it was precisely 5:48 p.m. on October 1st. 

"The hour is awfully late!" Warned a concerned Aubrey Rose. 

"Just eleven more." Sighed Maxine Adel. 

The girls looked around helplessly as the young teen entered the massive transport ship. "Y-Gate 4, correct?" 

"Yes." The thirteen-year-old responded. 

"GADS! From here, it will take forever to get there!" 

A young mother pushing her baby in a stroller passed by, heading in the same direction as the Nicolzah sisters. 

"Follow her!" Exclaimed Maxine Adel. 

A synthetic female voice spoke over the intercom's loudspeaker. "LIKE, SHARE, AND SUBSCRIBE!" 

"My energy has been low and scarce for the past month," said Maxine Adel as she grabbed a free small bag of freshly popped, buttery popcorn from a vendor stands. 

"HEY KID!" A tough old fat man yelled! "DO YOU THINK THAT GROWS ON TREES?" He inquired jokingly. 

Maxine Adel exclaimed, "NO! Corn does not come from a tree. Daddy-Oh!" 

That brightened the old feller's day as he roared with laughter! "HI KIDS! WELCOME BACK!" 

Aubrey Rose gave a wide grin. "Nice to see you again, Mr. Stewart!" 

"I never remember what that man's...!" 

"I KNOW! RIGHT!" Aubrey Rose laughed. 

Intriguing despite its strangeness, the Transporter Compound served as a fascinating marketplace. As they walked from the loading dock to Y-Gate 4, the Nicolzah girls were unfazed by the strange occurrences they met. 

"HI!" A little youngster greeted as he stepped from his Father's trading booth, stopping directly in front of Maxine Adel. "Want to buy a scarf of peanuts?" Asked the little boy. 

"NO! Please leave me alone now. 

Aubrey Rose burst out laughing. "You're so cruel! I'm going to buy a scarf." 

The young boy whipped the peanuts in front of Aubrey Roses' nose. "77 Gentex, please!" He started with his palm open, waiting for the money. 

Aubrey Rose dropped three silver coins, each holding a single orange strip, into his hand. "MANY THANKS, LITTLE DUDE!" 

The kid smiled and dashed off to find his next willing client. "YOU'RE SO PRETTY!" He yelled back over his shoulder. 

The comment took the girls aback as they both roared, laughing! 

"You know Felix, that little guy is a cross-watcher!" 

"I know!" Aubrey Rose admitted 

"GOOD!" Maxine Adel, cheer up! "Then let's be a little more cautious next time!" 

Aubrey Rose blushed. Her careless behavior embarrassed her. "OK!" 

Cross-watchers were AI half-breed narcs created by the insane, out-of-control modern-day science to spy on the public. Making all illegals and wrongdoers pay for their errors and crimes. 

"It's going to be an exciting week, kids!" a street vendor shouted as the girls walked by. "Now is the perfect opportunity to stock up on PRO-BRO JUICE!" He suggested, brandishing a Jackie Magee energy cola in a tall plastic bottle. "Just what your kids need for the upcoming Halloween weekend!" He counseled. 

Maxine Adel came to a halt, a bright smile on her face. "Do you have a six-pack?" 

"Of course!" says the elderly vendor as he opens a large cooler in front of his feet. "Coco of Butter-Nut Drive, Cherry, Strawberry?" 

"Butter-Nut Drive, please!" 

"That has a high THC content?" Aubrey Rose had prior notice. "It seriously messes with your mind!" 

"Six-pack?" The seller has confirmed. 

"Yes, Sir!" Maxine Adel, overcome with excitement, cheered. "I adore this stuff!" She chuckled. "I like to lace mine with Pepperdine! Then THAT REALLY MESSES YOU UP!" 

"This is so uncool, little sis! You ought to protect your vulnerable psyche! Not disseminating it!" 

"NAD-DAH, FELIX!" Maxine Adel laughed childishly. "IT'S TONS OF FUN!" 

"YAH-DAH! Maxine! Stop deceiving yourself, for heaven's sake!" 

When no one was listening, Maxine Adel mumbled something like, "What a dork!" 

"WHAT!" Aubrey Rose said, "Oh, shut up," with a growl, unimpressed! "If it were not for me, you would be using the 'F' word in every phrase by now. THANK YOU VERY MUCH!" 

At that moment, the girls walked by a high-end Mexican family restaurant with exquisite live music from Hispanic string instruments. 

Upon seeing the lead violinist, Maxine Adel tried to get closer to the musician. She reached out with her right hand, grabbed the lead violinist's bow arm, and gave a tidy yank, resulting in a horrifying, ear-splitting squeal. 

Aubrey Rose laughed and screamed like a lunatic. "HOLY CRAP, DUDE! THAT WAS SO AWESOME!" She cheered, clapping her hands vigorously! 

As the girls were making their way to Dominion Perry Heights for the holiday weekend, they were in a hurry. The two teenagers were ready to have wild fun on Halloween in the village's most celebrated festival! 

The entrance to the gated enclave of Dominion Perry Heights was close to Brittney Leanne's cottage, but no one goes there. 

Not with the legendary Butterfly-Socialite Brittney Leanne-Kára Nicolzah in the village! 

"WOW!" This is something on which everyone would agree! "SUCH WILD CARMA!" 

Brittney Leanne is obvious in a crowd. She is the only young 30-year-old with the blonde pixie cut, Catullus print halter top, tight shiny lacquer black leather shorts, and wearing the darkest of shades! 

"BITCH DON'T KILL MY VIBE" was her all-time favorite Rapp tune she was always singing. Enough to drive a sober man to drink! 

Simply put... THE ENERGY LEVEL WITH THIS CHICK WAS HIGHER THAN A HEAPING SPOONFUL OF NON-STOP JUNKIES ON FOOD STAMPS! (BLAH-HA-HA!) 

Without warning, the loudspeaker roared once again. "ATTENSION, PLEASE! TERMINAL 2B14, Y-Gates 2 through Y-Gate 7 NOW LOADING!" 

When Maxine Adel delicately removed her 1650s Jehan Reisdorff gold, enamel, and diamond Verge watch on a solid rose gold fob. Everyone around her nearly died of shock. A priceless masterwork reserved for the most discerning and affluent timepiece connoisseurs. 

Nearing its 616th year of life, it is still functioning as smoothly and reliably as the day it was bought it. Something unique from her paternal Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, "OUTSTANDING" Grandpa V. V. Nicolzah! Ten days after he bought it at an auction in Arkadelphia, Arkansas, in June 1865, the exquisite timepiece turned 215 years old. That is incredible! 

"At this rate, we're going to be late!" Maxine Adel had forewarned her older sister. "LET'S DO IT, FELIX!" She yelled, securing her priceless watch, and dashed through the crowded loading dock! 

This made Aubrey Rose happy! "YAY! OK, SO HOW ABOUT WE DO SOME SLAM DANCING!" She, too, vanished instantly, her hands clenched in fists, as she giggled like a psychotic four-year-old desperate to find the nearest boys' room! Though appearing as if she were a little too late! So, it seemed to those she shoved by! 

At Y Gate 4, people were lining up to board the transport shuttle known as "The Portal in the Sky," independently owned and operated by the Space Fantasy Company of Cleveland, Ohio. 

They painted the long tubular body a dazzling midnight blue, with three silver bands wound in a helical pattern around the middle and ending in a gleaming gold star. The shuttle made an outstanding showing, considering the modest nature of the duty it fulfilled. And it is spotless on the inside as well! 

"MIND THE GAP! MIND THE GAP!" An announcement sign lit up, showing the passengers waiting in line. Maxine Adel gently nudged her older sister toward the third line that had just opened. "THIS WAY, FELIX!" 

"Right behind you!" The girls would often hold each other close as they passed past throngs of people. It would devastate if they lost touch at this crucial moment. 

As each passenger crossed the loading threshold and boarded the waiting spacecraft, a flashing red light greeted them. "WELCOME ABOARD! TAKE A SEAT A FLIGHT ATTENDANT WILL BE WITH YOU MOMENTARILY, THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATIENCE!" 

The teens found seats in row 8, section 8, and Maxine Adel opted for a window seat. 

Maxine Adel leaned forward out of habit and pulled a magazine from the back seat in front of her. A magazine she was unfamiliar with. 

A beverage menu screen appeared over the girls' heads in an instant. "Would you like something to drink?" Aubrey Rose inquired as she selected an orange juice for herself. 

"Apple for me, please!" 

Aubrey Rose leaned over her younger sister's shoulder and asked, "Do you think we'll be able to find Brittney Leanne easily?" She let out a tired sigh. "She can be difficult to locate! I swear to you!" 

Maxine Adel smiled. "Yeah! When we get to the village, I'll try to contact her through thought contact." 

"HEY! Isn't it true that we are in Aquarius season?" 

"No, Felix! Libra!" Maxine Adel clarified. "I swear to you! You know nothing about Zodiac!" 

"YEAH! AND YOU KNOW ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ABOUT GUYS!" 

Maxine Adel started laughing as she gave Aubrey Rose a gentle nudge. "I KNEW YOU'D SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT! YA, TURD!" 

"PLEASE HAVE ALL OFFICIAL SECURITY DOCUMENTS AVAILABLE FOR ENTRY FOR ALL PASSENGERS AWAITING JELZEDARAH NAVAL BASE STOP. THANK YOU AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!" 

"Those announcements are so irritating!" Maxine Adel muttered. 

"I KNOW! RIGHT!" Aubrey Rose cracked up. "He said, "Happy New Year," but it's clear that it's October 31st." 

"Can they fire an AI?" 

Aubrey Rose rolled her eyes in disapproval of the stupid pun. "Whatever!" 

Suddenly, two well-off and pretty MILF'S sat down in the last two wow seats next to Aubrey Rose. 

"Recently, work has become extremely stressful." The lady in the farthest seat from the Nicolzah teens complained. 

"Take some time off, dear!" exclaimed her friend. "The boss can do that, you know!" 

"I'm aware of that!" 

"Well. There is no point in having a Eustace Beach bungalow if you will not use it!" 

The blonde woman closest to Aubrey Rose turned around. "I make use of it! Every month, stupid!" 

Maxine Adel leaned in and sassed sarcastically. "YA! Do not be so stupid, lady! Where do you suppose your old man goes on those sudden, unexpected long business trips?" 

"OMG!" Aubrey Rose could not stop laughing as she covered her face, desperate to ignore everyone on the space shuttle. She clicked her heels together rapidly and whispered to herself, "There's no place like home! There is no place like home!" 

Maxine Adel giggled and returned to gazing out the shuttle window. 

The two women stared at each other, too shocked to say anything. The black-haired lady eventually said, "Little brat!" 

"I agree with that remark, lady!" Maxine Adel advised; her gaze fixed on the window. "But only on my good days, of course!" 

Aubrey Rose uttered a resounding "Wow!" to herself. "Nope! Not going to get involved in this one!" 

The Nicolzah's left the shuttle dock at roughly 7:30 p.m. "What was the point of adding those two extra stops to our schedule?" Aubrey Rose complained. 

"Say it with me Felix: The G.S.S.!" (German Secret Service) 

"Really! You think so?" 

"YEPPERS! They're always getting involved with odd activities." 

The young teenagers appeared from the space transit facility onto the crowded streets of Dominion Perry Heights. The village would throw a Rodeo and set up The Bumping Betsy Water Slide each year which was out of this world! They even host the Berry More Heights Time Travelers Wheel of Fortune. 

The people flocked the streets searching for vendors selling anything they dared on Halloween. True or false! 

"CAN I COUNT ON YOU TO SPY ON ME ONCE MORE, OR WHAT!" Screamed an elderly, clearly psychotic, homeless woman as she raced up to the Nicolzah girls. 

"AT EASE, BITCH!" Incredulous, Maxine Adel shouted as her sister screamed, "WTF!" 

After hearing this, the woman turned and returned to her makeshift shelter. 

"Why isn't the government taking care of these people?" Maxine Adel, frustrated, demanded. 

"Because they don't care!" Exclaimed Aubrey Rose. "Unfortunately, they never will either!" 

"Ya. Sad, huh?" 

The girls left onto 12th street to catch the next available Air-Set-taxi. One could find them across this little village. Those vehicles resembled an enclosed four-seater scoot that floated in the air. 

"HEY, THERE'S ONE!" Hollered Aubrey Rose as she dashed to the taxi stand, arms flailing wildly. "TAXI!" Her scream was audible. 

Immediately upon hearing this, the taxi skidded on air to a halt! 

"YO, STAN!" Maxine Adel yelled as she sat down. The silver and black taxi cab company name tag on the right breast pocket of his uniform blouse made it clear what the gentleman's name was. 

He asks, "Where yawl head to this lovely eerie and freaky night? DAMN YOU KIDS ARE TALL!" 

"We need to get over to Barrymore Road from here," Maxine Adel said. 

"Can you find it from here, Stan?" 

The man turned and smiled over his shoulder. "Sure, what's the address?" 

"1022!" exclaimed Maxine Adel, worried. 

"Right away! Hang on kids!" yelled the driver. The trio took off in a flash, leaving invisible burnout marks that were clearly not visible on the asphalt street. 

"We're running late!" Aubrey Rose sighed. 

"I know!" 

The cab blew through a clear red light, which made the Nicolzah sisters' night! 

"HAVE YOU BEEN DRIVING LONG, STAN?" Sarcastically, Maxine Adel laughed. 

"NO, NOT AT ALL!" The cab driver chuckled. 

When the Air-Set-taxi got to Blueberry Hill, the top of Pilot-Bute was lit up like a large roman candle by the many rounds of fireworks being shot into the sky! 

"WHOA!" Aubrey Rose exclaimed with astonishment. "WOW, DID YOU SEE THAT? OH MY GOSH!" 

"Man! This season, they are going all out!" Maxine Adel muttered. 

"Without a doubt!" 

The cab eventually arrived just in front of the main gates to Dominion Perry Heights. Two security guards stood outside the security office's doorway. They returned to their assigned security monitors of the compound community after realizing the taxi would not enter. 

"Many thanks, Stan!" Aubrey Rose said as she handed the young ebony man one silver and three bronze coins as cab fare. "You got us here in a flash, and we really appreciate it!" 

"It's my pleasure, kids! Be careful! Tonight, is the night!" With a warm smile, he said. "Hear me?" 

"Absolutely! Thank you very much!" Maxine Adel replied, closing the taxi's narrow half-door. 

Before leaving, the cab driver remarked, "You girl getting all dressed up tonight?" 

"YA! I will be going as a little angel and my sister is going with me as a little, snot!" 

Maxine Adel gave her a lighthearted jab in the ribs. "You're a genuine weird Chick, Dude!" 

"YA! I know!" exclaimed Aubrey Rose enthusiastically. "Remember sissy! I am Libra, the holder of the scales!" 

The cabbie laughed as he sped off into the night. 

The girls walked through the main gates and the Termite Mountain Way drive to Brittney Leanne's house. 

"Don't worry, Felix. Have faith that I will always have your back!" 

Aubrey Rose slapped her leg and laughed. "AWE! I know and I appreciate it, Max!" 

"LONG ENOUGH TO STICK MY STILETTO IN IT!" 

"DOH!" exclaimed Aubrey Rose enthusiastically! "Remember sissy! I am Libra! Holder of the scales!" 

The girls' hysterical laughter echoed clearly as they played and joked amongst themselves along their merry way. 

No lights were on when the teenagers arrived at Brittney Leanne's cabin. despite her confusion, Maxine Adel reached for the doorbell and rang it. The Westminster chime rang out, and it surprised the girl to hear the pitter-patter of little bare feet on the wooden floor. 

"She is at home!" Aubrey Rose cheered as they clapped their hands. 

The door gently opened after three-bolt locks and chains of security, and their Brittney Leanne stood! She dressed as a sexy hot red heartbreaker ducky for Halloween, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed! 

Brittney Leanne was born with Atelosteogenesis, a condition that prevented her from growing taller than 4 feet 4 inches. Also, she had a condition called "MFS" (Mind Fold Syndrome). Simply put, when Brittney Leanne spoke, she sounded like a Hedgehog addicted to helium! "YO JOE! WHAT DO YA KNOW!" 

"OMG!" Aubrey Rose laughed so hard that she was in tears at once. 

Maxine Adel remained silent before turning to leave. "DUDE! WHO THE HECK ARE YOU SUPOSED TO BE? QUACK THE STRIPPER?" 

"That is quite the stunning costume!" Said Aubrey Rose with a colossal grin. 

Maxine Adel was shocked as she scanned up and down Spirit's 52-inch little frame "A red bunny, with a plump bubble butt sticking out like a sore thumb! Is that the best you can do for us tonight?" 

"BUT I LOOK GOOD!" Squeaked Brittney Leanne with a grin and a thumbs up as she jerked the door wide open. "Enter, you skinny people!" 

Many people who did not know Brittney Leanne thought she had severely influenced the young teen sisters. What do they know? 

Aubrey Rose beamed as she watched Brittney Leanne shuffle across the front room and into the kitchen, where she went to fetch three cold sodas. 

"AWE! Just look at her tiny, lit-tah butt!" 

Maxine Adel had to join in on the fun after seeing the adorable spectacle. "FELIX! She waddles like a duck in heat!" 

Aubrey Rose cracked up. "Why little sister! What an absolute horrible thing to say!" 

Brittney Leanne smiled as she returned, handing the teen their drinks. "That's something I'm well aware of! Now get over it! Will Ya?" 

The Nicolzah girls' height was impressive. Aubrey Rose stood 6 feet even while Maxine Adel, with at least five years of growth staying, rose to a towering 6 feet four! WHOA! 

"I'd offer your kids a seat, but you'd just smash my chairs!" Brittney Leanne winked with hands on hips! "And I will not stand for it!" 

Maxine Adel kneeled and wrapped her warm, loving arms around her cousin's tiny frame. "You're so adorable! I cannot stop loving you!" She was overjoyed to have Brittney Leanne-Kára Nicolzah as her favorite relative! 

"YA! I think a lot of you kids, too!" 

Aubrey Rose got down on one knee and kissed her cousin on the cheek! "Do you think things will ever return to normal?" 

Brittney Leanne sadly replied, looking up into her young cousin's beautiful blue eyes. "I'm afraid not, my dear. I fear that our old world is now outdated. The new world is here and will remain. Life of infinite perpetuity." 

"Let's finish our drinks and leave!" Maxine Adel suggested getting to her feet. 

"I'm so prepared for that!" Aubrey Rose squealed with delight. "Let's get into our costumes, Max!" 

"YA, Felix!" 

The girls quickly darted into the back bedroom to change into their costumes. 

"Oh my God!" Brittney Leanne started crying as the girls sprinted into the front room dressed as Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, and Maxine Adel transformed into some crazed cave woman! Her leopard print loin cloth barely covered anything. 

"We look more like we're headed for the strip clubs, rather than a Halloween party!" scoffed Brittney Leanne. 

"I KNOW! RIGHT!" Maxine Adel laughed, giving a seductive wink and the cutest little curtsy! 

"However, I am desperate to meet a nice guy!" 

Aubrey Rose smiled lovingly at her cousin. "And you certainly deserve one!" 

"She certainly does!" Maxine Adel also confirmed. 

After an hour of walking, the girls got to Dorky Park, where a small carnival was full of happy, carefree young people and their families. 

A gleaming smile spread across Maxine Adel's face as she checked her unique pocket watch and declared, "It's zero hour, gals!" 

"YAY!" With a clap of her hands, Aubrey Rose expressed her delight. 

The Nicolzah girls referred to zero hours as "party time!" 

"No backing down, girls!" Maxine Adel warned. "This time we go all out! OK!" 

Brittney Leanne had to respond. With a happy grin, she looked at her younger cousin and exclaimed, "YA! I really hope we find something that resonates tonight!" 

A girl about 5 years old ran by in her pink and purple costume. "Look!" Aubrey Rose screamed. "It's Butterfly Spirit!" She laughed with a clap of her hands. "So adorable!" The little girl came to a complete stop just long enough to turn around and smile! "My name in Tandy!" she chirped, then was off again, finally grabbing her mother's hand. 

Suddenly a slightly inebriated older man in a t-shirt and dirty apron grabbed Maxine Adel by her right arm! "I KNOW YA WANT IT!" He was brandishing an odd black Lagash-colored drink in a vintage glass bottle. "So, what do Ya say, Kid! How Bad Do You Want It?" 

The shock nearly gave Maxine Adel a heart attack! "WTF! LEAVE ME ALONE, YOU PIG!" She yelled, clutching a 12-inch long, discharged razor-sharp stiletto in her right hand! 

"WHOA!" Rapidly responding, the alcoholic cried out to her. "MAN! Do not continue acting in such an absurd manner!" Arthritis in his legs caused them to tremble violently. "I'm putting myself out there and trying to SELL THIS SHIT!" Suddenly, he grabbed his butt cheeks and sulked. "Now I need to go to the bathroom because of you, Ya little snot!" 

Laughing playfully, Aubrey Rose clapped her hands! "Sure, hope that was a fart I just heard, Mister!" 

To which Maxine Adel responded, "YOU WANT TAH FEEL SOMETHING MISTER!" The danger posed by MADMAX! "YOU EVER TRY TOUCH ME AGAIN, I WOULD LOVE TO STICK MY NEEDLE UP YOUR ASS! FEEL ME NOW?" 

"If you're still interested, I have some Jan-Han-Kane for sale." The old man announced, turning his back. 

Maxine Adel secured her weapon back into its sheath. "Stop, dude! You claim to own the Jan-Han-Kane then, right?" 

"An affirmative! Sure do!" 

A radiant grin spread across her face. "Well, let it fly, man! Let us have a look see!" 

"IF I DID THAT, IT WOULD BE AN ACT OF WAR!" The elderly man raised his voice and screamed. "You're too young for this kind of thing, so..." 

"BREAK IT OUT! NOW!" 

"It's no sweat, kid!" The elderly alcoholic turned around and handed her a bottle of black, vintage glass whiskey. 

"OMG! FELIX, LOOK AT THIS!" Maxine Adel screamed, glancing back at the group. 

Through her more enormous eyes, Brittney Leanne smiled. "You realize this is powerful stuff, right?" 

"OH MY GOSH!" Laughed Maxine Adel! "OF COURSE, I KNOW THAT! Please include me!" She issued the order! "We could set the universe on fire with this gem! I'm curious how long it takes to recover from this stuff." 

"MAN DOWN! MAN DOWN!" Aubrey Rose laughed. "Would it be better to schedule vacation time?" She made Brittney Leanne giggle like a chipmunk with a poke at her petite ribs. 

"Does that suggest you have any legal matters to attend to when you return?" Seeing how amused her older sister and cousin were by her, Maxine Adel could not help but laugh along with her kin folk! 

"Oh, my goodness, Brittney!" Aubrey Rose exclaimed, scanning the backside of her older cousin. "You have little to nothing covering things back here!" 

Maxine Adel wore a solemn expression on her face. "Ya Cuz! It really does looks like you are asking for it!" She insisted innocently. 

Brittney Leanne stood on her tiptoes, waving her young cousin down to her level with a tiny flick of her finger. "I AM ASKING IT!" She screamed, displaying an uncontrolled little butt shuffle! 

"Yeah! That is a dead giveaway, Brit!" Aubrey Rose laughed. 

The old man's patience was thin as he saw the young people discussing, exposing BUTTS and such! "Your goanna purchase or what, kid?" 

"YA, YA! DANG! How much is it?" Maxine Adel noticed the price tag on the bottle hanging by a string at that moment. She gave the old gentleman four silver and four bronze coins. 

"Pricey as hell!" Exclaimed the young teen as she turned, handing the bottle to her cousin. 

"True! However, dear child, it was all for the best!" 

Brittney Leanne accepted the strong and unusual alcohol with a grin. "This stuff motivates me to hum a song that... I do not know the words! Not sure why!" Then she gave a quick shuffle of her rear end! "BUTT IT GETS ME...! HORNY AS HELL!" 

Aubrey Rose almost fell over while desperately cupping her mouth to keep from shrieking! "OH MY GOD, BRIT!" She burst out laughing! "YOU GET TO YOUR ROOM! THIS INSTANT!" She scolded! 

"As the old saying goes! She is going to materialize her a man!" Maxine Adel winked as she smacked Brittney Leanne lightly across the left shoulder. 

Aubrey Rose hid the liquor bottle, and the trio vanished into the crowds of excited onlookers. Many were small children eager to have the best time of their lives! 

"CANDY COTTEN, LADY?" Inquire of a youngster dressed in dark blue jean coveralls. "There are only two silver coins!" 

"How fantastic!" Brittney Leanne cheered because cotton candy was her favorite treat. She produced the money quickly, eager to get her to fill. "Would you like some?" She enquired about her cousins. 

"Certainly!" Maxine Adel smiled. 

The temptation was too much for Aubrey Rose as she sniffed the aroma of deli food. "Feed me a corn dogs!" She demanded! 

"That way!" Maxine Adel pointed to her with her index finger and gave her instructions. "Over there by the "Wonder Wheel." See?" 

Reversing course, Aubrey Rose turned around. "All right, tag along. I will not be traveling there on my alone!" 

The girls made their way to the family-owned and run homemade pull trailer deli, dubbed "The Feast Inside Beast," for their grub! 

In terms of quality, quantity, and flavor, the prepared cuisine from this deli was indescribable! 

After a short wait, Aubrey Roses placed her order. 

"How about you tell me what you wish ladies?" A young woman with long blonde hair, horn-rimmed spectacles, and severe buck teeth posted the question. 

Maxine Adel laughed, whispering into Brittney Leanne's left ear. "Damn! With those suckers, you could easily pry open Fort Knox!" This caused her tiny dwarf cousin to chipmunk-chuckle! 

"HI! Two corn dogs and three Greenbacks sodas..." Aubrey Rose's weight shifted. 

"Nothing for me." 

"I'm all right." insisted Maxine Adel. 

"UTI Delight or Tiffany Blue Special?" enquired the young lady. "We're completely out of Kelly Hines." 

"Three blues, please!" Aubrey Rose confirmed. 

The girls found an empty bench in the park's part for families with young children, where they planned to eat their delightful treats! 

"Tonight's moon is certainly bright! Huh, ladies!" A cheerful father of two in his middle age commented as the group took their seats. 

"Absolutely!" Maxine Adel turned to face the bright light above and nodded. "Second thought, I've never seen it so brilliant!" 

"This is the Hunters Moon, honey." Came the reply from the gentleman. 

As a last resort, Maxine Adel turned to her family. "Hunter's Moon?" 

"Max, it's the Harvest Moon!" Brittney Leanne remarked. "October's moon?" 

" Felix. I'm confused by the name." 

"Because this is when indigenous communities across the Americas started stocking up on meat supplies before the coming winter." 

Brittney Leanne gave Aubrey Rose a quick glance! "Well done, Aubrey!" She applauded in approval. "You are as sharp as a tack, kiddo!" 

"Don't provoke her or she'll explode!" Maxine Adel forewarned. "AND... AND she will keep going even... with a busted tailpipe!" 

Aubrey Rose rattled her head. "WHAT THE HELL?" 

The gentleman chuckled. "I know a close-knit family when I hear one!" 

"SHUT UP AND SIT DOWN, TWERP!" 

"What a lovely gesture!" He praised. 

"AWE!" Maxine Adel avoided further discussion and promptly took her seat, behaving as she should have. 

The kind family did not take long to converse with the Nicolzah girls at the following table. 

"Paragon Laboratory Services is where my father works." A 10-year-old girl with short blonde hair and black-framed glasses said as she approached Maxine Adel from her left side. 

Maxine Adel's head cocked to one side. "PARAGON?" She looked at her sister, puzzled. "Felix! She said, Paragon! You hear that, right?" 

"Sure did!" 

The young girl's statement opened a new box of worms for Maxine Adel! "SO... SIR! To which department at Paragon do you report?" 

"BCP testing lab." (Biological, Chemical, Physical) 

A kind grin spread across Maxine Adel's face. "Following your craziest desires, eh?" 

"So, is your daddy a bio-engineered scientist as well?" inquired the little girl. 

Maxine Adel was getting sick of this little over-educated snot! "NO! NO! My Daddy is a professional door greeter at the Walmart in McMurdo Station, Antarctica!" she proudly stated. 

Aubrey Rose rolled her eyes and shook her head while Brittney Leanne chuckled like a drunk chipmunk nearly falling off the park bench! 

Unmoved, the youngster said, "Oh," and returned to her place at her own table. 

"Better than being, Limply, the Impotent Porn Star!" She roared, slapping her tiny thighs! 

"WILL YOU TWO STOPS!" 

Maxine Adel recovered control of her mind and recommended they get on with the evening. That is precisely what they did! 

The trio pushed through the mob until it forced them to stop in front of two bronze statues of Gryphons. 

The thirteen-year-old girl raised her sight until she peered into the brilliant red eyes of the gryphon next to her. "WHOA!" She muttered. "Will you look at this, Aubrey?" 

Brittney Leanne looked up at the placard. "Berry More Heights Time Travelers Wheel of Fortune." 

"What are your thoughts?" 

"I'm not sure." Brittney Leanne responded. "Something about this place is giving me the creeps about now!" 

Maxine Adel has no qualms about expressing her opinion. "Then I recommend we go in! Just to see whether your creeps disappear! Then we will leave!" 

Concerned, Aubrey Rose posed the question. "Did you take your Seroquel this morning?" 

"Yes." 

"Good!" 

After a long pause, Maxine Adel stomped her foot. "C'MON FELIX! Let us go in! PLEASE!" 

Aubrey Rose lowered her gaze to her cousin. "What are your thoughts?" 

"I say, where we go one! We go all out!" 

"THAT'S THE SPIRIT!" Maxine Adel exclaimed. 

Aubrey Rose shook her head. "I've heard that before! Let us do this!" 

A bronze hid the entrance to the market, and a silver beaded curtain. When Maxine Adel pushed it aside and entered, her mouth nearly dropped to the floor at what she was now forced to see! 

end of act I 

act II 

Black, ominous clouds appeared out of nowhere, gathering high over Montana's Bitterroot Mountains. Their slight purple haze was extremely rare, if not unheard of, for Halloween in this part of the world in the 1890s. 

The winds remained quiet, and the surface of Lake Infusion remained as smooth as glass. 

"There's nothing to worry about, Momma!" Mister Dickies, also known as Little-Dickie by his friends because he always wore Dickies bib overalls, explained to his old wife. She was virtually in tears from dread. "Stuff like this occurs all the time!" He calmly reassured her. 

Three years prior, the elderly man had moved his wife from the sleepy Indiana hamlet of Santa Claus to Bitterroot Montana, hoping to restore some of her sanity. But that, unfortunately, was a miserable failure. 

Just then, the rear door of the old rusted cottage flung wide open, letting in two small children aged ten and twelve and an elderly mother in her seventies. 

"BOY, OH BOY, LITTLE DICKIE! It is looking nasty out there!" Bellowed Seymore's oldest sister, putting up her beloved rabbit's skin fur coat on an old wooden peg from the wall. 

"I see what you mean, Fanny-Bea! Help yourself to the coffee on the stove!" The old man offered. "Fresh as of 15 minutes ago." 

"Thank you!" 

Peanutsrey, a ten-year-old Basque girl (Pea-nus-ser-eye. Known to everyone as Peanuts-Rey) yelled, raced over to the elderly man, and smashed a bear hug on him! "Trinity!" 

After battling to recover from pneumonia a year before, Peanuts-Rey began calling her Great Uncle Seymore Trinity. Naturally, the nickname stuck. 

"I love you, sugar pie!" he yelled as he encircled his little, cherished niece in his arms and kissed her on the right cheek. 

"Benzi wants to borrow Great Grandpa's leather-bound knuckle busters, according to what Alfie said, Ya know!" 

Seymore chuckled. "What exactly are you rambling about, munchkin?" 

No one ever knew who this little girl was talking to or about! 

"There is nothing to learn, Trinity! I am just babbling to myself!" 

It was not because Peanutsrey Kemmler had a mental disorder but because she was a young new Oracle. She could see unmixedly into the future. Witnesses reported seeing the child conversing with people clearly invisible to the rest of the world. This world. But what about in other places? Would you say that is an unreasonable inquiry? 

"Good day, Aunt Trinity!" Keilalee (Kei-lah-lee) Kemmler, Peanuts-Rey's elder sister of twelve years, teased as she entered the front room. 

"Bring that butt over here, crazy turd!" 

"You're under arrest, Trinity!" Keilalee insisted, wearing her beloved sheriff's badge and cowboy hat. Everything is, of course, on the up and up officially. 

Seymore sprung from his comfortable leather chair. "Why! Sheriff, are you trying to set me up?" 

"You robbed the Itty-Bitty Stagecoach, did you not?" The little law woman insisted while clutching her black six-shooter made of wood. 

There came a foot as he raised his arms high in the air! "DAD BURN IT, SHERIFF! YA CAUGHT ME AGAIN!" 

Little Keilalee laid her cup on the open fireplace mantel, supporting another one of her legendary chocolate mustaches. 

"I'll take you to jail as soon as I finish my cocoa!" She parted her lengthy, black bangs and gave her uncle a wink. 

"Fair enough!" the old guy agreed without more argument. 

A yell came from little Peanuts-Rey. "Trinity! How many squeezes does it take to get to the center of an eyedropper?" 

"I'll be right with you, honey." Seymore spoke up. "Her queries are growing increasingly difficult these days." 

"Tell me about it!" said Fanny-Bea, cramming her 280-pound ass onto a 150-pound capacity chair! 

Chair legs that bowed that much without cracking astounded Seymore! "You're sitting in a damned good chair, sis!" He brags. "Remember this moment!" 

Fanny-Bea acknowledged him with a smile, but she did not think his joke was humorous. Naturally, she did what she usually did and completely disregarded her little brother's wisecracks. "How is Edna these days?" 

The mental decline of his wife was heartbreaking to watch, and he bore it with remarkable fortitude. 

"Currently, we're not getting along very well. Sitting-Bull popped in to say hi during lunch the day before." He reported. "Last week, William Wallace showed up. Aside from that, everything is operating at typical levels in that area." 

"I thought bringing her out West would help her regain her faculties," he said. 

"I don't know," Seymore said with a shrug. "That's what Doc Henry recommended." 

"No notable changes, huh?" 

"Nah." His aged weary eyes filled with melancholy. 

Fanny-Bea stared intently into her coffee cup. She eventually took a sip and said, "I'm sorry for her struggles. It hurts my feelings to see you suffer like this, Little-Dickie!" 

"I know. You're the best." 

Peanuts-Rey abruptly yelled from the other side of the living room. "Stick with your own kind!" She demanded. "Birds of a feather flock together, Ya knows!" She then returned to her tattered lechon logs toys. 

Seymore turned to face Fanny-Bea, who only shrugged her broad shoulders. 

"ALL ABOARD... THE CRAZY TRAIN!" Peanuts-Rey squealed with delight as she drew a solid oak choo-choo train from the depths of her toy box. Again, she asks, "Trinity! How many squeezes does it take to get to the center of an eyedropper?" 

Seymore rolled his eyes. "AH! SEVEN!" 

"NAH-DAH!" She giggled. "Not that, silly!" 

When Peanuts-Rey saw him, she jumped on his lap. "You know that the other day, I went down the rabbit hole again?" 

"You did?" 

"YA! Well, you can guess who I saw!" 

Seymore cocked his head. "I do not know. Who?" 

"The Nicolzah sisters and their cousin, Brittney Leanne!" 

"Brittney Leanne?" 

"YA! She is the GGW!" 

"GGW?" Now the old man was utterly confused. 

"YA! The Golden Gate Warrior! SHE’S THE INDESTRUCTABLE MASTER OF WAR… YA KNOW!” 

"Oh, my God!" Great Aunt Fanny-Bea muttered, expelling an irritating puff of air in displeasure. 

"You know they are coming here, right?" Informed the tiny excited tot! 

"Is that a fact? And at what precise time are they expected to show up?" 

"Tonight! At midnight! I PROMISE!" 

"Who the hell are they?" Asked Fanny-Bea, putting her cup of coffee on the table in front of her. 

Seymore gave a casual shrug of his shoulders. "I'm completely lost!" 

"Are these girl rabbits or squirrels?" asked Fanny-Bea with curiosity. 

"NAH-DAH!" Such silliness made Peanuts-Rey giggle. "They're girls like Kei-lah-lee and me!" She paused for a moment. "OH! GGW! Now she is a woman! Hilarious too!" She said with a snap of her fingers. "Brittney Leanne is teeny-tiny as a Troll! Ya knows!" 

"So why is she called GGW? How did she ever earn that name?" Asked Seymore tapping his fingers on the arm of his lounge chair. 

"Because some Creep-O tried to toss her off the Golden Gate Bridge three years ago!" 

Peanuts-Rey placed her petite hands on her hips in exclamation! "But the bully's attempt to succeed was a complete failure! WHAT A CREEP-O!" 

Both intelligent adults in the room were now paying close attention to the little girl. "So," said Seymore. "What became of the Creep-O? Sheriff gets him? 

"NAH-DAH! GGW blew the top of his head clean off with her pearl handle Peacemaker!" Peanuts-Rey laughed, slapping her tiny legs. "Model P, the latest and greatest from Colt, released in 1873! NICE GUN, YA KNOW!"  

She continued, "The press christened her as "GGW!” Short for, the Golden Gate Warrior (Indestructible Master of War!) Made headlines for months, Ya knows!" 

"HOLY CRAP, CHILD!" Shouted Fanny-Bea. "YOU KNOW BETTER THAN TO TALK THAT WAY!" 

Peanuts-Rey hung her head, embarrassed for being reprimanded, and muttered. "Well, it's true." 

Mister Dickies was not just going to sit there and listen to his precious niece get scolded for no good reason. "Not so fast Smokey the Bear!" He challenged his sister. "When have you ever known Pebbles to ever lie or fabricate from the truth?" 

Just then, Keilalee stepped up to defend her younger sister. "She’s is not lying! I know because I was right next to her as she went down!" 

Fanny-Bea gazed at Seymore with a puzzled face. "What is she talking about? What on earth is the rabbit hole?" 

"I'm sure our little tike will explain, if we stick around long enough." 

"Peanuts is also tough to keep track of!" said an irritated Keilalee. 

“GGW is from Kolding, Ya knows!" 

"Never heard of that," old man Dickies said, cocking his head to one side. "Where in Montana?" 

"I think it's an ancient mining town up around Butte, if I'm remembering correctly." Said Keilalee, trying to keep engaged in the conversation. 

Peanuts-Rey giggled. "Hell no, knuckle-head! It is in the country of Denmark!” She declared, matter-of-factly!  

“You may not be aware of this, but GGW is a true-blue Dane!" She declared with a haughty air; palms pressed tightly against her tiny hips. 

“True blue Dame?” Seymore inquired, perplexed. 

Great Aunt Fanny-Bea did not appear convinced or impressed by such nonsense. "To me, it seems as if you two little farts are having been sharing the same fantasy dream!" She shifted her weight, striving to straighten her posture in the weakening old wooden chair. 

"Brittney Leanne is my wishful fulfillment!!" clapped Peanuts-Rey's little hands in triumph. Suddenly her little brain whirled about in a panic. 

"I have to take a seat!" She exclaimed! This often happens whenever she gets too enthusiastic and sends excessive amounts of dopamine to her brain. Regular fare for the tyke. 

Keilalee dashed to catch her younger sister before she lost consciousness and landed on the rough wooden floor. 

Peanuts-Rey's eyes became utterly distant as she yelled at the top of her tiny lungs, "ARE YOU GOING TO DENY YOUR SAVIOR?" She passed out as she fell into Keilalee outstretched. 

It was not until Peanuts-Rey regained consciousness that she realized she was perilously close to the edge of the rabbit hole. A rabbit hole only she can perceive in her youthful mind. 

Eventually, she opened her big blue eyes. "Green?" She asked herself. “GREEN? Why is a plethora of greenery everywhere?" 

Peanuts-Rey leaned over, feeling utterly overpowered and on the verge of throwing up. Perspiration trickled down her forehead, making her feel cold. 

She could not make sense of anything, and nothing looked familiar to her. This needed to be clarified! 

Many times, previously, Peanuts-Rey had gone down the rabbit hole only to find herself in the same place. Lying face down in a wheat field in an unknown and foreign place. Never in a tunnel with a solid green array. 

As Peanuts-Rey progressed farther inside, she realized that although she was clearly moving, her tiny legs were still immobile. Assembled in one spot. 

When you are down the rabbit hole, concepts like time and space become abstract ideas. Everything is the opposite of what one's rational mind might believe is true. Everything stands for the opposite of what a sane person may have thought was a fact. 

One's voice is audible everywhere else, just not while in the green tunnel. 

"WEIRD!" Peanuts-Rey shouted when she came upon a distant opening in the green tunnel, accompanied by the smells of lavender and mint. She gathered her nerves and stepped through the tunnel's opening into a beautiful field of wild grass with a magnificent waterfall crashing into a lake in the far distance. 

There was a slight breeze that day in Descaling Derriere, an imaginary place deep down the rabbit hole in the core of the Isle of Grand Laughter. A little island around the size of Turkey. 

"ALL ABOARD... THE CRAZY TRAIN!" a young child's voice rang out from some place in the distance, out of nowhere. 

Peanuts-Rey froze, and her eyes glowed. "WHOA! Figure the odds!"  

She strolled through a field of daffodils and petunias to a tiny creek that recirculated a small pond full of frogs and tadpoles. 

Several green, crimson, and even purple frogs hopped around, oblivious and ignoring the approaching stranger from the other world above. For a split second, everything fell quiet at once. 

"Howdy fellers!" Peanuts-Rey greeted with a wave of her hand. "My name is Peanuts-Rey!" 

Still nothing. 

"I SAID HELLO, YA KNOW!" 

Without warning, a little youngster frog hopped to the shoreline and reached the human child's feet.  

"Hello there, Báthory! (Bat-to-dee) I'm Tippy, and this is my family's pond." Tippy, the shy frog, saw a gleam in the eye of a tiny child. "Do you realize how long I've been waiting for you?" 

"Báthory?" Peanuts-Rey muttered. "Why do you address me as Báthory? My name is Peanuts-Rey, as I stated." 

Tippy, the frog, laughed. "You're hilarious, Báthory! Come on! Gammy Ilkley (Ill-Klee) is expecting us!" 

Then the little girl frog hopped into the thick, waving wild grass, out of sight of Peanuts-Rey. 

Then the little girl human spoke up. "This poop is driving me crazy!" But no one paid attention. 

"DON'T JUST STAND THERE, KID!" A giant, old overweight toad croaked. PUT YOUR POSTERIOR IN GEAR AND GET TAH MOVIN!" 

Without another word, Peanuts-Rey scampered through the grass after Tippy, the frog, hoping to catch up with her before she got too far ahead. 

Peanuts-Rey shouted for her new small friend, keeping her eyes on where she walked. "TIPPY! Croak or anything so I can find you, Ya knows!" 

Tippy, the frog yelled out in a humorous motion a split second later. "AH! OK! CROAK, CROAK! HOW ABOUT THAT?" 

Peanuts-Rey laughed at the frog's antics. "You're like me, aren't you? A challenging youngster to deal with! 

Tippy laughs from somewhere in the tall grass. "RIGHT THIS WAY! BEHIND THAT LOG UPHEAD IS GRAMMY'S HOUSE." 

In an instant, the girls arrived at their target, an old fallen oak tree. "You can sit there Báthory. I will get Grammy!" 

A moment later, an old brown female frog soon appeared from the interior of the log, where she had been napping and keeping cool. 

"Greetings to you, Báthory!" Grammy, the frog yelled, nearly spitting out her false wooden teeth. "Is it safe to assume that you have completed your studies?" 

"HI!" Peanuts- Rey responded, at once glancing at the little girl frog. "Studies?" 

Tippy, the frog, giggled and shrugged her tiny shoulders. 

"The shame is on you, little stinker! The math test is in a few days!" Grammy, the frog, reminded her. "Are you kidding me! Have you completely forgotten about your final exam on Monday morning?" 

"WHOA!" Peanuts-Rey stepped aside and said something like. "AH! Yes! I have!" She scratched the top of her little blonde head. "How did you know I was taking a test?" 

"Believe me, child! I know all there is to know!" Grammy, the frog, winked. "Have you forgotten that fact?"  

Peanuts-Rey giggled as she cocked her head to the side. "That's what I'm thinking since I do not know who you are! What the Hell do you know, Ya knows!" 

"That's the moxie, Billy the Kid!" Grammy, the frog, yelled in resounding laughter, giving her a stamp of approval! "To what end have you changed your mind about recommending me? No excuse for your behavior, kid!" She scolded, shaking her froggy toe in disapproval! 

Peanuts-Rey glared at Tippy, the frog! "OMG!" She finally yelled, throwing her arms in triumph! "I MEAN! IT'S LIKE... I'M SO, TOTALLY CONFUSED ABOUT NOW!" 

Grammy, the frog, ended the bizarre conversation with, "Always appreciate the accomplishment of others! Am I not correct, dear!" 

Peanuts-Rey uttered not a word, merely nodded her small head rapidly! She would do anything just to shut the old bag up! 

"Tippy! Please hurry inside and get us everyone a cup of goat's milk and some fish's head biscuits!" 

Peanuts-Rey's expression suddenly turned somber, and her upper lip curled upward for no apparent reason. "I'll pass on all of them, please. I ate earlier!" 

"A late breakfast at work? That is weird!" said Grammy, the frog. 

"And I do not know what prompted you to say that!" muttered Peanuts-Rey, now lightly shaking her head. "YA! My two best friends, Chicken Noodle and Cocoa Puff showed me how! YAY! Ya Know!"  

Grammy the frog cocked her head and let out a slight croak, baffled by the bizarre kid, yet said nothing. 

“Take that, Ya, goofy old toad!” Thought, Peanuts-Rey.  

"Look! I really must get out of here! Left the water running in the bathtub!" 

Neither frog seemed too worried! 

"And I'm up on the fourth level where I live!" 

Still no plain concern! 

"FOR GOD'S SAKE! ABOVE THE HOSPITAL'S EMERGENCY ROOM!" 

This made Tippy the frog chuckle as she dug into her delicious fish's head biscuit! Even though she had a full mouth, she still said, "Is that really true?" 

All this nonsensical rambling stunned Peanuts-Rey! "AND WHAT IF IT ISN'T!" She screamed, stomping her little foot down on the ground, clearly frustrated. "IT DOES'NT HAVE TO BE TRUE! I'M OUTTA HERE!" 

When the little girl human turned to leave, Grammy the frog unexpectedly spoke. "HEY! You just stay put Beillé! I have an important message for you! The situation is most critical!" 

Peanuts-Rey made a U-turn, casting an eye over Tippy the frog. "Message?" that made her frown. "Is she toying with me, again?" 

The little girl frog teasingly batted her eyes. "Maybe!" 

The youngster stamped her foot into the ground, even more irritated! "PLEASE STOP IT!" Unexpectedly she crossed her little legs. "THANKS A LOT!" She yelled angrily! "NOW I GOTTA PEE, YA KNOW!" 

Grammy, the frog, swallowed after clearing her throat. "You must locate and return GGW!" she sternly stated, her voice authoritative. "She'll be easy to find once you arrive at the carnival in Dominion Perry Heights, Arkansas, in the year 2066. Berry More Heights Time Traveler's Wheel of Fortune is the place you need to go." 

Peanuts-Rey glanced at Tippy the frog for a second before returning her attention to Grammy the frog. 

“Concentrate on the words, Chief Rosendale, and his Band of Razorback Warriors. You will know what to do after that.” 

Without warning, the little girl's human mind spun out of control. Whirling around time and space like a spinning top out of balance! 

"SIT DOWN, CHILD!" Grammy, the fog shrieked. 

Peanuts-Rey sank to the ground without hesitation, losing all consciousness. Her breathing was shallow for a few seconds before halting entirely.  

The helpless youngster was only a heartbeat away from being declared clinically dead. 

Suddenly a deep, solemn voice said! "Listen to me, sweetie! Take a breath!" 

Peanuts-Rey tried to inhale, but the struggle was too great! 

Seymore waved an ammonia-laced cotton ball under Pebbles-Rey's little nose for a second time. 

"Breathe, sweetie!" 

Fanny-Bea wiped the perspiration from her grand niece's brow with a chilly, damp handkerchief. She spoke hurriedly and fearfully! "She's been under for nearly two minutes and fifty-three seconds, Seymore!" 

Peanuts-Rey's mouth gaped open as she inhaled deeply, filling her tiny lungs with air. Her precious heart hammering like a runaway locomotive. 

"MOMMY!" She wailed, tears flowing from her now-yellow-pigmented eyes and pinkish cheeks. 

Keilalee repositioned her little sister's head so that she could drink. She leaned remarkably close to look into Peanuts-Rey's eyes with awe. "How come her eyes are the hue of a werewolf?" She inquired, looking to Seymore for a response. 

"I CAN'T SEE!" cried Peanuts-Rey. "I NEED GGW! WHAT HAPPENED TO HER?" 

Keilalee glanced towards her great-aunt to find the proper response. 

"It's all right!" She was trying to be as encouraging as she could. "Relax, I'll track her down! I assure you; you will soon be reunited very soon!" 

"Keilalee, take her into your arms." Seymore hinted. "She requires your assistance now more than ever." 

Peanuts-Rey rested her small head in Keilalee's comforting embrace. "I'm... so drow...! I am not res...!" 

"OH NO, YOU DON'T!" Seymore yelled grabbing the youngster from his niece's arms. "YOU STAY WITH ME!” He gave the child a slight shake. “YOU HEAR ME? TALK TO ME CHILD!"  

Peanuts-Rey reopened her eyes momentarily, but they were so heavy that she could notice nothing but blackness.  

"Seeds of uncertain... have been plant... Ya, kn…!"  

Little Peanutsrey Kemmler breathed one last time as her spirit softly left her lifeless body on its final journey to our beloved Father's warm and loving embrace. 

Seymore gently lowed his head and grieved quietly onto the shoulder of his late little best friend. This was the saddest day of this old gentleman's life. 

end of act II

Chapter III

A Mutually Non-Negotiable Contract

Because of the Lord's great Love we are not consumed. For his compassions never fail.

Lamentations :22

act I

"GROSS!" yelled Maxine Adel taking a few hurried steps backward, almost knocking her tiny cousin flat on her butt. "IS THIS A JOKE? LIKE! ARE THOSE THINGS FOR REAL?" 

"Not sure!" Aubrey Rose exclaimed as she crept up behind her younger sister. "They are repulsive, none the less!" 

"Yes, they are genuine!" Brittney Leanne confirmed standing on tiptoe to get a better look at the bazaar, the startling attraction. 

"Why did they sew their eyes and mouths shut?" Maxine-Adel shifted her gaze to Aubrey Rose. "What is the point of that? If you ask me, it has a hint of evil!" 

"The two ways in the back looks like O-Bummer and Big Mike!” chuckled Aubrey Rose.  

“Who?” asked Maxine Adel.  

“O-Bummer! You know, Bottoms Up Berry!” Giggled Brittney Leanne. 

“Actually, Mike looks more like a woman now!” Noted Aubrey Rose, matter-of-factly! 

Brittney Leanne, craning her neck to see over the dusty oak case that made the request. "The natives sew the openings shut hoping to trap the enemy's spirit within the skull. However, everyone outside of their tribe is an enemy." She winked at Maxine Adel. "Strange, but true! Maxine, give me a boost up!" 

The young teen stooped and lifted her older yet much smaller cousin to a better vantage point to view the repulsive curiosities. 

"DANG, GGW! You are as light as a feather, yet compact as a brick!" Maxine-Adel giggled. "What is your weight?" 

For laughs, Brittney Leanne swiveled her head to the side while supporting her silly expression. At last, she let out a yell. "I weigh 1072 wet ounces!" 

There was a brief period of silence. Then...! "Swear to God Brittney!" Aubrey Rose laughed, rolling her eyes! 

A second later, Maxine Adel busted! "You're such a little freak!" Her big sister nodded in agreement with a snort! "But we still love Ya!" 

"Girls, please! Nothing escapes your detection!" Snickered Brittney Leanne. 

The girls walked past the shrunken head display, noting how dark the novelty attraction was. 

"Wonder what's going on down there?" Maxine del inquired as she lowered her cousin back down. 

An open door with flashing violet lights was about twenty feet ahead to the right. Just a subtle attempt to pique the guests' interest. 

Maxine Adel entered the dimly lit room slowly, cheek to cheek with a medieval warrior knight clad in armor and wearing a bronze helmet on her left. He held his claymore sword firmly outward in defense. 

“Holy crap!” She turned around. "These things are insanely cool!" 

Aubrey Rose looked surprised. “Really? Well, go in, man!” 

Maxine Adel turned back and crept into the bazaar display room. More worried knights stood nearby when she looked to her right. 

She cocked her head back to the left, her gaze now fixed on the beady red eyes of the knight at the door! Suddenly…! 

“BLAH!” 

Maxine Adel nearly jumped out of her skin as she let out a blood-curdling scream! 

Because her younger sister was screaming, Aubrey Rose screamed! Because Aubrey Rose was screaming, Brittney Leanne joined in!  

The avalanche of events sent the old man hidden behind the knight’s armor to the ground in hysterics! 

"HVORDAN VOVER DU! DET BLØDE ARVHUL!" Scolded the enraged teenybopper in her native Danish, shaking her right index finger!  

Aubrey Rose collapsed to the floor beside the old man, laughing her butt off!  

Maxine Adel quickly slid her stiletto back into its concealed sheath on her hip. 

“I need to use the facilities, sir!" Laughed Brittney Leanne. 

Maxine Adel reached down to aid the elderly warrior in keeping his balance on his shaky feet. "Shame on your old man! You were in a pickle, Ya Dietzel Fritz!" 

"Sorry about that, youngsters!" There was a hearty chuckle from the elderly man as he rose to his feet. "At my ripe old age, there are some things in life that an old man must simply do while he’s still kicking!" 

"Are you mentally capable of being independently, away from a nursing home?" Maxine Adel was awestruck. 

Aubrey Rose recovered her composer, still amazed at the gullibility of some people's kids! "Don't worry, Gramps! We know it was not on purpose!" She laughed. 

“YEAH! RIGHT!” Opposed Maxine Adel! 

“WHOA!” Exclaimed Brittney Leanne as she explored the depths of the multi-doored room with the flashing lights of diverse colors, well hidden within a sea of purple haze. 

"So, mister! What is up with the emaciated corpses in the front yard?” Asked Maxine Adel with a sarcastic smirk. 

The old man removed his helmet and placed it in one corner of a modest stand made of rustic walnut. “OH! Those are the Naga tribe heads I have collected!” He bragged as he explained. “Got a fantastic deal on everything the whole lot!’ 

Aubrey Rose scowled at her younger sister as her expression changed to revulsion. "I could think of more appealing things to display!" 

"Without a doubt! So, Gramps, what kind of necrophilia are you into? Is it homicidal or regular?" 

Aubrey Rose burst out, "NO WAITING! LET ME GUESS! You are the kinky fantasy type necro! HUH, SUGAR PAPPY?" 

"What in the dickens are you youngster’s babbling on about?" 

After what seemed like forever, the elderly man cracked a wry smirk at what was clearly a joke only he and his companions shared! 

"BINGO! CRUSH THAT FANTASY BUTTON!” Laughed Maxine Adel raised a thumb high in the air! "WHAT IS YOU'S, BOSNIAN?" She questioned in a very thick British accent. 

Without warning, Brittney Leanne yelled, "HEY AUBREY! IF YOU THINK THAT'S APPAULING, TAKE A LOOK AT THIS!" 

Maxine rubbed her palms together while beaming broadly. “Oh, the good fortunes we've been given is incredible!” Then, still angry, she turned abruptly to face the kind, old man. “NOT!” 

Brittney Leanne cautiously peered over the end cap of a display case, only to find several two-headed creatures of distinct types as the others approached. 

To the right, a two-headed cat stood with a two-headed toad perched between its front paws, and a two-headed Bulldog stood ready behind them. 

To the left of that was a coiled-up two-headed rattlesnake with furious pointy long fangs. Ready to strike anything or anyone who came too close!  

Aubrey Rose winked at her older cousin and teased, "OH, WOW! Can you imagine anything more endearing than that?” She cast a quick glance at Maxine Adel. “Totally despise it!" 

She agreed 100 percent! "STOP LOOKING IT THAT CRAP!" Yelled Maxine Adel. "I hate all snakes and stinking spiders!"  

Above the display was hung a vintage sign that read "Blaine-Grey County Court House, Gross, Nebraska." Below is an old black and white photograph of an elderly mean-looking woman with the words "Judge Gisela Kiel Heller presiding" written in faded handwritten black ink. 

“I can't shake the feeling that this place is going to do some sort of damage to my young, impressionable psyche!" Maxine Adel amused herself by gently pushing her cousin!  

“Good evening people watching!” giggled Brittney Leanne. 

Aubrey Rose whirled around. "We are such lucky Libran’s! Are we not, Mad Max?" 

Maxine Adel laughed. "Indeed!"  

end of act I 

act II 

"From where did all of the butterflies come?" Inquired Peanuts-Rey Kemmler as she rounded the corner of the old rotting, red barn. 

"From you, goof-ball!" Bramble Bhakkar Carmichael laughed as he approached from behind. “This is your dream girlfriend! Only you have the answers to those puzzling questions!” 

Peanuts-Rey cried out, "It’s too dark here! I wish I could see more clearly. My head is starting to hurt from this purple haze!” 

“In the absence of light darkness prevails!” Declared the no longer living ten-year-old boy who was built like a brick-shit-house!  

“We'll get to the clearing soon." He exclaimed as he carefully removed a Marigold from its stem and placed it on the right side of Peanuts-Rey’s platinum blonde hair. 

“So. Do you get to keep your name and identity after you die?" Peanuts-Rey, scratching her little head, inquired. "I'm not sure if I get it." 

"Báthory, you're not supposed to get anything!" bellowed Bramble as his young spirit floated by overhead, then returned. "Just do what I do and go with the flow!"  

"IT'S EASY FOR YOU TO SAY!" WHILE YOU'RE A GHOST!" 

Bramble lowered himself to the ground and lifted the Pebbles-Rey by her shoulders. “Báthory.” He spoke softly. "You have to face the facts at some point!" 

Peanuts-Rey cocked her head in disagreement. “Face what facts?” 

“Sadly, you had already left that old world, meaning you were dead! Catch my drift?” 

In frustration, Peanuts-Rey rolled her bright blue eyes and stomped her black leather Plimsoll boot hard into the grass! "I told you before, BBC! Stop acting as if I am dead; I am not, Ya knows! I am still falling asleep on my uncle's lap. That is exactly how I remembered it!" 

"HOW LONG HAVE WE BEEN WALKING?" 

Peanuts-Rey shook her small shoulders. "I'm not sure! Five to six hours, I guess." 

"And you've been drinking Cactus coolers the entire time! Right?” 

“Yeah. So!" 

"AND YOU HAVEN'T HAD TAH POTTY YET? HUH!" 

Peanuts-Rey squinted suspiciously through beady little eyes. "WHAT? WHAT’S…! WHAT’S PEEING GOTTA DO WITH ANYTHING?" 

“NO MOE GOTTA PEE! GET IT NOW?” 

Peanuts-Rey stared helplessly, searching for the right words to say. “Why are you such a mean spirit guide anyway? What have I ever done to you; Ya knows?" She dashed ahead, over the crest of the hill, and out of sight. 

Bramble was becoming irritated by now! "Oh, Báthory!” He protested to himself. "DON’T BE THAT WAY!"  

Mighty mouse, shot through the air in hot pursuit of his new little friend. “WAIT UP, GOOF-BALL!” 

A sparkling brook teeming with Lionhead goldfish could be found at the other end of the trail.  

This is where Bramble found Peanuts-Rey in tears but not crying. She was ten years old and much too old to whimper like some little kid! So, she always testified! 

“HEY! Did you know the origins of licorice can be traced back to 2300 BC?” Asked Bramble as he sat down, handing Peanuts-Rey a special treat. 

Peanuts-Rey accepted the offer with a charming smile and a soft thank you. 

“Emperor Shennong of China had the Divine Farmer's study the Herb-Root Classic, “Pen-Ts'ao.” They record an entry in which licorice was described as a magical plant that rejuvenated old men!” 

“Rejuvenated old men?” 

“YA, GOOF-BALL! YA KNOW! LIKE… MAKE AM HORNY AGAIN!” 

“GROSS!”

“WHAT?” 

“JUST STOP, YA KNOWS!” 

Bramble collapsed into the tall wild grass and burst into hysterics! “YA! I KNOW!” He agreed!  

He rolled over on his side and rested his ghostly head on his ghostly arm. “Sorry! I was born in Zaporizhzhia at the height of her power!" He giggled! Suddenly his expression suddenly grew ridiculous! "I'M THO... BREE... TARDED!"  

"PURSUE YOUR DREAM, I THAY!" Peanuts-Rey poked fun! 

"YOU'RE RIGHT!” Bramble agreed! 

They rolled together in the tall wild grass with no worries in the world! In a sense! These youngsters were having the time of their lives! 

Peanuts-Rey flipped over onto her side. "What is that smell?" 

Bramble raised his head. “Smell?” Then, without warning, he burst out laughing! 

“What?” 

"How the hell am I supposed to know, you Goof-Ball!” 

“What?” 

“Seeing as how I am not a mortal being, I do not have mortal senses!” 

Peanuts-Rey's cheeks burned slightly, but she managed a grin anyway. “Oh, Ya. Forgot.” She went utterly still. Something strange had just piqued her interest. "I can...!" 

A short while later. "Can what?" 

Peanuts-Rey bolted upright! "I have a sense of smell!" 

Bramble was getting worried. "What do you mean?" 

"Right now, I can smell lavender, Ya knows!" 

“So!” 

Peanuts-Rey sprang to her feet! "If I can smell… wouldn't that imply that I'm mortal? I mean, not dead?" 

Bramble blinked his eyes, perplexed. "Okay, sure. I would assume so." 

"THAT MEANS I'M NOT DEAD AT ALL!" Pebbles-Rey jumped up and down then did a 360 flailing her tiny tushy! "That proves I'm still alive! EXACTLY AS I TOLD YOU EARLIER, BBC!" 

Bramble was impressed by his friend's assumption but still needed to verify it. “So. In other words, I can fart around you and you will not mind! Right?” 

“GROSS!” Peanuts-Rey’s face suddenly reddened! “Besides! The odor of a ghost's fart is irrelevant anyway; stop being so stupid! Silly!" 

"Irrelevant? Ya means… no more fart odor?" 

“NAH-DAH! Not much for a ghost art to latch onto, would be my guess.” 

"I was always under the impression that they did!" 

"FOR PETE'S! WILL YOU CHANGE THE FREAKING SUBJECT!" 

“ALRIGHT!”  

Peanuts-Rey laid back down and grabbed a handful of dandelion seedlings, which she smashed with a mighty blow, sending hundreds of tiny parachutes dancing through the air. “If only it would snow, I'd be happy, Ya knows!” She mumbled. 

"In that case! Make it snow, Goof-Ball! As I stated, this is your dream, no one can make things come true! Only you!" 

Peanuts-Rey's face instantly went somber. "Oh, I completely forgot! I have the worst memory in the world!” She sighed. Just another example of my incredible COVID shot handicaps!" 

“Really?” 

“YA! MANY THANKS, TO THAT LAME EXCUSE IN CHARGE OF THE NIAID! A TRIUMPHANT SALUTE TO YOU, DOCTOR FUN-KEE!” She was so happy that she triumphantly stuck out her middle finger and waved it vigorously through the air! “I would give anything to have attended his tribunal! Ya knows!” 

"DAMN, GIRL!" Bramble chuckled as he poked his girlfriend in her ribs! 

“WELL!” Peanuts-Rey fired back! “He moved at breakneck speed to wipe out humanity! The filthy scum!" 

"It's just the bumps in the road of life that we all must navigate, my dear." 

"EASY FOR YOU TO SAY!" She snapped. "YOU FROM BROOKLYN TOO, OR WHAT?" 

"No." 

"What about the rest of us who have to pay the price for such blatant fallacy and medical tyranny?" 

After a moment, Bramble looked to the ground. "Yeah." It was a confession he made with regret. "I know. I'm sorry." 

Peanuts-Rey supported herself on one arm and asked in a timid tone, " “Bramble. Before you passed away, did you receive your salvation?" 

The stocky ghost boy instantly froze as he pondered for a moment. "As in Jesus! Saved?" 

Peanuts-Rey, with hesitance. "Yeah." 

"OH MY GOD!" Bramble responded with dignity! "Many years ago!" 

She cast a broad smile and exhaled a sigh of relief! "You make me so happy!" 

He reached out and gave his sweet heart a brush across the top of her hand with his. "I can't imagine life without our Lord!" 

Peanuts-Rey leaped to her feet and gave her companion the biggest hug he had ever felt! "And I am so thankful!" 

Bramble suddenly went still. "You didn't get saved! Did you?" 

A beaming Peanuts-Rey made her confession. "Of course, I did, silly!" 

Turning out to be a surprisingly good day, he thought! "WELL, I TOO! Am SO PROUD OF YOU!"  

They held each other in their arms, giggling quietly in unison. 

It was just then, when suddenly the sky lit brilliantly in the striped colors of maroon and passion pink, accompanied by a distant rumble of dreadful thunder. 

"AWE! The sun's going down!" whined Peanuts-Rey as she stood and brushed off the front of her denim blue bib overalls.  

“You're always complaining about how you can't wait for the sun to go down so she could go to bed!” 

“I know. But I wanted to spend more time getting to know each other better, Ya knows!” 

Unfortunately, when death comes calling, no one has the luxury of choosing which spirit guide will be assigned to them for eternity. But Peanuts-Rey could not have been happier in her newly prescribed companion. 

“So. If you're an angel, why don’t you have wings?” 

Bramble chuckled heartily, and it was obvious that he was correct this time. “AH! Maybe because I am a spirit guide and not an angel!”  

Peanuts-Rey’s little mind drifted momentarily. “Okay! Sounds good!” 

“And if you're a mortal, Beillé, then what’s with the hallow just above your head?”  

Without warning Peanuts-Rey’s thoughts were mesmerized by a stranger’s deep voice from somewhere within her mind;  

“The Hallowed is a beautiful, if melancholic, romance about two people who meet at a funeral and forge a connection that lasts a lifetime! The story is told from both points of view and is filled with meaningful conversations and meaningful gestures! If you are looking for a book that will stay with you long after you have finished, this is the one for you!”  

Suddenly, the voice was no more and little Peanuts-Rey returned to reality.  

“I don't know what you just said, but I loved it!” she panted with a passionate wink. “That's exactly what I was hoping for, Ya knows!”  

Bramble was clueless! “OH! AH, COOL!” He turned blushing and rattled his head in wonder.  

The night slipped by as the two love birds fell asleep in each other's arms, gradually drifting away to dreamland with the beautiful backdrop of distant crickets and frogs. 

end of act II 

act III 

The air was filled with the smell of old paper and dust.  

In the far corner of display room D, there was a dim violet glow coming from an open door further down the corridor. The colorful array came from the lamps hanging too low from the ceiling, casting off a series of colored lights.  

This display area was the largest in the 6500 square foot old brick building, with lofty ceilings and velvet maroon curtains covering each of the twelve windows. It was filled with artwork and artifacts from the museum's extensive collection. 

There was a desk in the center of the room with an old brass weight scale on it and a few shelves of old books.  

This section of the basement was never used for showings because it was too dreary and creepy for most people's likings, but it was useful for storage.  

“I smell popcorn!” Alerted Aubrey Rose.  

“I smell the story of my life!” exclaimed Maxine Adel. 

“Oh my gosh! How amateurish and anecdotal!” guffawed Brittney-Leanne. 

“In the corner, there's a popcorn dispenser for the girls!” Shielding his eyes from the violet light, the old man set his gladiator helmet on the edge of an open shelf. “Help Yer-self! No charge!” 

"I will definitely be taking advantage of that offer!” Smiled Maxine Adel as she grabbed a small paper bag from a bin just below the popcorn machine. “Got any black liquorish back in here too, mister?” 

There was a chuckle in the old man's voice as he said, "Oddly enough, child. It is in the second drawer on the right, the second one from the bottom. Help Yer-self! No charge!” 

Aubrey Rose flashed a grin at her beloved cousin. “I could get into shopping here!” 

“I KNOW, RIGHT!” Brittney Leanne replied, rubbing her tiny tummy in laughter! “Time for me to leave!” 

Rolling her eyes, “There's no way I'm going to admit it, but I think you're right!” Scoffed Aubrey Rose. 

The room filled with Macomb had a certain stench, reminding Maxine Adel of a hospital or even a morgue. Nonetheless, the smell nearly turned her young stomach into knots. “What in the room with the flashing lights, mister?” 

“Why, that's the Berry More Heights Time Travelers Wheel of Fortune inside that room!” He proudly replied, looking at the artifact with awe and reverence. “Said to have been used by many famous people, including Stephen King, Ann Rice, and Ursula Kroeber Le Guin! Just to name a few.” 

It was an ornate, hand-carved time machine that allowed time travelers to travel back in time and return unscathed. This was an extremely dangerous contraption and should be avoided at all costs! 

“I WANT TO TRY!" yelled the young teenager emphatically! 

“OH NO, CHILD! You must be eighteen years of age to be allowed into that attraction.” 

“SO!” 

The old man shook his head in dismay. "Well, I don't think you look old enough girl!" 

"I AM SO!” 

“Need tah see an I.D. then!” 

“No problem!” Maxine Adel dug deep into the side pocket of her jeans. She produced a crisp, shiny new identification card, handing it to the elderly gentleman. 

In an instant, the old fart handed it back. “WOW KID! You sure do not look your age! That is for sure!” He exclaimed, handing her card back as he moved past his guests and toward the violet-lit room. 

"You certainly look great for thirty-seven-year-old ebony woman! I would have to admit!” He said with a chuckle. “Bet you could cram quite a few Samsonite’s in that trunk!” 

“I was in a very desperate situation at the time and short on cash.” 

“SHUT UP, MAX!” Demanded Aubrey Rose, throwing her sister a swift slap to the back of her noggin. 

“OUCH!” Giggled Brittney Leanne. “Bet that hurt! Huh?” 

As far as Maxine Adel was concerned, that was the most ridiculous thing she had ever heard. Then she threw her head back and yelled, “SHUT UP, BRIT! BEFORE I KICK YA SO HARD, YOU’LL BE WEAR’N YOUR ASS FOR A HAT!” 

Maxine Adel's eyes narrowed in frustration as she found herself nose to nose-with her big sister in a dreadful stare-down! Teenie Bopper still felt the sting trickling down the side of her head as she shouted, "And! YA AUBREY! THAT HURT LIKE HELL!” 

“GEEZ-LOUISE, POINDEXTER!” snickered Brittney Leanne. “Do not hate the player! Hate the game!” 

Despite rolling her eyes, Aubrey Rose did not utter a single word. 

The old man erupted into hysteria and smashed into the door frame down the corridor as he saw the two bizarre teens and one sawed-off Keebler elf battle it out! “THIS WAY, WHEN YOUR READY, GIRLS!” 

Even though the room the old man entered was spacious, the door opening size was small. However, it still met the basic needs of the unusual attraction it held. 

Maxine Adel cautiously poked her head into the room but could not spot the owner. “Where did he go?” 

The old man stuck out his arm, waving his hand, from the darkest corner of the large oddity room. "Over here, girls! Come on in!" 

Maxine Adel approached with some skepticism. “WHOA! Check out this funky looking contraption, Aubrey!"  

"Hold for a second, sir, and what the heck is this thing?” Demanded Aubrey Rose, only to be ignored. 

The old gentleman raised a finger once to signal that he still needed time to get ready. "Young people, follow me! The safety switch is in the forking back as if short arms were not bad enough!” 

An odd look crossed Maxine Adel's face as she sidled. "What do you think?” She asked in a near-silent whisper with some hesitance and reluctance. 

"JUST GO ALREADY!” Demanded Brittney Leanne with authority, abrasively pointing her itty-bitty finger! 

“ALRIGHT!” 

The strange contraption was prominent in size, a quarter of the showroom's area where it was being displayed. Mothballs and stale machine grease wafted softly through the air. This alone made the girls uneasy, and they were unsure whether they wanted to venture inside. 

"What's up with how nasty it sticks in here?" 

“This is a really dated piece of machinery, indeed!” Explained the old man to Maxine Adel as he returned to his feet and turned around. 

“It is a bit repulsive smelling, I know, but she is perfectly safe and everything is working well. True to her word.” His smile was comforting and reassuring. "It's been around since 1908 and it's still functioning properly!" 

“You should know that my patience is really limited, Sir!” Explained Maxine Adel. 

“Hell’s that got tah do with anything?” chuckled the elderly fart at the bizarre youngsters' warning. 

Maxine Adel rolled her eyes scornfully, conveying her reluctance to discuss her issues. "Just forget it!" She yipped. "I don't have the self-control to explain it all!" 

Something about the nervous teenagers' comment made Brittney Leanne chuckle. 

"SHIT!" She laughed. "Mad Max the Bad Ass!" She teased jokingly! 

Out of nowhere, an older woman's voice roared in a shocking cry! "THE CLOCK TOWER MUST BE SAVED! RESCUER LA TORNADA DE EL CLOCK TORO!” 

Maxine Adel jumped like a fart in a frying pan once more! "LIKE… WHAT IN THE HELL WAS THAT?" she screamed to the back of the old man's rapidly balding head! 

She also did not realize that this dusty 0ld turd was far from deaf! 

"I'm sorry, kids!" He responded before turning off the overhead speaker in the peculiar contraption. "After that, old woman Dinkins vanished from our radar!" In a rapid movement, he scratched the top of his head. "Such a shame!" 

Maxine Adel spun around with grapefruit-sized eyes! "GET ME THE HELL OUT OF THIS DAMNED THING!" She demanded, pushing Brittney Leanne to the ground. 

At this point, Aubrey Rose burst out laughing! "Come on, old sport!" She joked. "Where's your sense of adventure?" 

That comment caused Maxine Adel to glare at her older sibling with fury! "WELL, IT CERTAINLY CAN NOT BE FOUND IN HERE, FELIX!" She yelled as she exited the withering old-time machine.  

"WELL! SURPRISE, SURPRISE, SURPRISE!" Brittney Leanne yelled as she struggled to stand.  

“YEP! Having such short legs is inconvenient! That is for certain!" She let out a sly chuckle as she did so. "Hold on a sec, Max! There is a payoff for you if you do this!" 

“Yeppers, Max!” Joined in Aubrey Rose. “It will be like playing the video game, Surviving the Survivor!” 

“YA, RIGHT!” 

“I’m being serious here!” 

No, Felix! Sounds more like a round of the "Endless Wanderer" game!” Maxine Adel responded in a childish, snarky tone. 

Right at that moment, the old man helped. "Miss Maxine, please return! Do not be scared, for there is nothing to worry about. AND! You are in for the time of your life! 

“Come on, Cuz! Let us do this!” Squeaked Brittney Leanne. 

The teenybopper considered sitting down on the worn leather bench and agreed that his voice did sound sincere. “Well. All right.” She reluctantly agreed in a faint voice. 

To which Aubrey Rose replied, “Now we're talking!” She gave her little sissy a gentle pat on the back. “See Britt! Maxi is the underdog train that managed to win!” 

Maxine Adel froze. "SHUT UP!” With a bitter grimace, she snapped, “Do you realize how incredibly stupid that sounded?” 

The old man began laughing once again! "Boy oh boy! You gal’s never seem to take a breather! Do Ya?” 

“Besides! It is the little train that could, fool!” 

Aubrey Rose shot a quick glance at her cousin. “Is it really?” 

“YEAH!” snickered Brittney Leanne.  

A split second later. “Oh! Well, I will be gone tah hell!” 

Maxine Adel began to unwind a little. “I will let it slide, this time! But you must leave that nonsense in the Ficken past! Got it?" 

“YEAH!” 

“Good! Cuz next time… I give you no quarters!” 

“OMG! Hello, Max!”  

“What?”  

“SHUT UP!” Barked Brittney Leanne with the snap of her fingers! “GET THAT SCRAWNY BUTT BACK INTO THE TIME MACHINE!” She raised an eyebrow in puzzlement at Aubrey Rose. "I swear... some people's kids!" 

Aubrey Rose could not help herself as she faced her baby sister. "Om Namo Narayani!" 

Maxine Adel remained silent as her eyes filled with tears. “I know. Please do the same!" 

end of act III

 

act IV 

A calm, damp breeze blew in from nowhere as the clouds darkened, bringing an unexpected sprinkle of snow to the Wanderlust valley's early winter season. 

To everyone's delight, the sun slowly made its way over the horizon painting the air in an Erie, iridescent shade of Shocking pink. 

The bizarre phenomenon illuminated the pleasant early morning sky, which undoubtedly puzzled everyone who witnessed it! 

A fantastical realm overpopulated with… “FRICK’N…! HOT, HORNEY WOMEN… MAN!”

Correction…! 

A fantasy land teeming with the mystifying spectacles of Damsels in distress! 

The moisture accumulation on Peanuts-Rey's little forehead began to turn chilly as a light layer of snow began to form, rousing her from her deep sleep. 

“Snowing?” Peanuts-Rey rubbed her eyes to wake them up. “BBC! RISE AND SHINE!” 

Eventually. “What?” 

“GET UP! IT'S SNOWING!" 

Bramble rolled over. “Wow!” 

“Until now, I had no idea that it snowed in the Heaven!” Peanuts-Rey slapped her cheeks in exuberant, childlike delight. "HOW GREAT IS THAT!" 

Bramble floated to his feet and brushed off. “That’s because we are not in heaven, you GOLF-BALL!” 

Peanut-Rey's pupils widened! "We aren't?" 

“NO! We are still in the seventh realm!” 

The little mortal child was now feeling a modicum of perplexity. “That's the same thing, right?" 

“No! But yes, it does snow in heaven! Lots of snow!”  

“OH! WAY COOL!”  

“THAT TOO!” he laughed.  

Suddenly, without warning, an unexpected burst of brilliant red-blue lit the sky for an instant! Then from out of nowhere, stood a tiny Lake Faerie decked out to the nines in an adorable pink ballet tutu and black sequined ballet slippers. 

“OMG!” Peanuts-Rey shrieked in an outburst of overwhelming happiness. "LOOK, BBC! That is right, it is the one and only Tinkerbell! Face to face!” 

The tiny Lake Faerie rolled her eyes. “I’m not Tinkerbell, kid!” She exclaimed, “My name is Trinket! I am Tinkerbell’s youngest punk sister.”  

"WOW, THAT'S AN AWESOME OUTFIT, LITTLE ONE!" Shouted Bramble in a fit of laughter. 

“I'm on duty, Ya little brat!” Snapped Trinket. "What are your expectations?” Hands now planted firmly on hips! “Besides, what are you making fun of? You are the one who is wearing see-through puffy director pants!" 

For some reason, Peanuts-Rey swiftly turned to dispute the allegation made by the young Faerie. “OH WOW! She is right, Ya knows!” With a broad smile, the youngster snickered! “Nice knickers!”  

“SHUT UP!” 

“It seems like this trip will be a real blast!” Inserted Trinket with an assuring nod! 

“THAT INCLUDES YOU TOO!” Provided a vexatious Bramble! "Shall I remind you, Báthory, who your guide is?" 

Obviously, Peanuts-Rey wanted a hug, so she extended her arms. “AWE! Let us hear it for my BBC! This is all in jest, Ya knows!" She offered him a hesitant wink. 

Until this point, Peanuts-Rey did not realize that her Mystic Lodestar could blush! She cast a brief glance to Trinket. “Oh… I like that!" She giggled, placing her palm over her mouth. 

“EW!” Teased the spiritual Lake Faerie. “Seems to me like… Little Miss, Peanut-Butter-cup-Rey here has a BIG OL’ CRUSHY on Little Mister Mus-kle Boy!"

Peanuts-Rey almost choked! “OMG! That sounded... so stupid!" 

Bramble sighed and rolled his eyes. "WANNA KNOW SUMPIN, LITTLE-TOOTH-FAIRY!” 

“Be nice, now!” His partner in crime wisely advised! 

“Yer bout tah fry shy of a happy-meal!" 

“YEAH! YA KNOWS!”

Trinket seemed unfazed by the remark. "Boy, this debate is quickly devolving into a caricature. Is it not?" 

After some light banter, the topic became serious: "So why are you here, Trinket?" Requested Peanuts-Rey.

"OH, YES! And here I was, worrying that I could forget it!” Trinket retrieved a small, handwritten message from deep inside her bodice and presented it to the youngster. 

“What’s this?” 

With a mischievous snicker, the tiny Lake Faerie responded. "Just a word of caution from your Spirit Mentor!" 

The little Basquiat girl gazed up at her Mystic Lodestar, puzzled. "What exactly is a Spirit Mentor, BBC?" 

“That is my boss! Never met her, though.” 

Peanuts-Rey eagerly unfolded the message and sighed instantly. “SERIOUSLY!"  

“ATTENTION K-MART SHOPPERS!” Teased Trinket just to be a brat! 

“What's the problem, Báthory?” Bramble exclaimed in panic. “Are you okay?"  

"IT'S FROM THAT… GRAMMY THE…!” Peanuts-Rey's eyes uncontrollably squinted tightly closed, sending Trinket into hysterics! “FRICK·ING FROG!” She bellowed, stomping her shoe hard into the grass. “THE HELL, YA OLD TOAD! CAN I NOT SHAKE YOU! OR WHAT?” 

It was all Bramble could do to keep from giggling at the sight of the silly little Lake Faerie rolling around in the grass and laughing to herself. "What exactly does the manager need?" 

The youngster handed the boy the note, so he read it aloud. “There are no paid vacations in the funeral business! Get your scrawny butt in gear! You are running behind schedule!" Bramble knew better than to chuckle at this stage in the game! 

The youngster hung her head and muttered, “MOMENTU HONETAN EZ ZAIT GEHIAGO AXOAL!” 

“Excuse me?” 

“She said, I DON'T EVEN CARE ANY MORE AT THIS POINT!” Bramble translated without hesitation, which made Peanuts-Rey stare up in awe. 

“That's right, Báthory! I am Basquiat, too!"

Peanuts-Rey shot a brief flash to the tiny Lake Faerie. 

"Watch out, girlfriend!" Trinket cautioned, "Those desires and anxieties expressed here will endure forever! Simply telling!" 

“REALLY?” 

"You're on a unique path youngster! That, I will confess!" 

With a roll of her eyes, Peanuts-Rey resumed her trek down the route heading north. “Maybe it's time for me to get up and about.” 

“WHERE YA GOIN'?” 

"NO IDEA, LITTLE LAKE FAERIE! TO PUT IT BLUNTLY, I'M NOT A VERY BRIGHT PERSON,” The youngster giggled. “HELLO, I HALE FROM BITTERROOT, MONTANA! JUST MOVED HERE!” 

At that moment, Trinket cast a startled gaze at Bramble! "That's one sassy little brat!" 

He nodded his head in assent. “YA! I get it!” 

"WALK OR RIDE, PEANUT? WHICH IS IT?” 

In mid-step, Peanuts-Rey abruptly halted. “RIDE?" she questioned, circling back around. "WHAT RIDE?" 

With a single flick of her wand, Trinket conjured a gigantic six-square-foot maple leaf out of thin air, which floated down from heaven and stopped only two feet over the grass. 

Peanuts-Rey took a cautionary step backward. “WHOA! HATE LIKE HELL TAH HAVE TAH RAKE A YARD COVERED IN THOSE OF SUCKERS,” she laughed as she darted back! “So, what’s this for?”  

“Hop on!” Insisted the tiny Lake Faerie. 

Peanuts-Rey consulted her Mystic Lodestar. “What?” 

"Hurry up, Goof-Ball!" He insisted on taking his new girlfriend's small, tan hand. "You can put your weight on it! Look! It has mine!" 

When the youngster realized what Bramble had just said, she stopped and rolled her little eyes. “Like a ghost weights a ton, Ya knows!” 

"I retract that!" Trinket yelled. “You are the sassiest little brat, worldwide!” 

Peanuts-Rey turned around, virtually speechless at the harsh comment! 

"BUT I LIKE IT!" The Little Lake Faerie roared! 

“YAY!” Now that made the youngster beam with pride! 

"Do I receive a happy meal on this flight, too?" Giggles Peanuts-Rey as she takes her position atop the giant floating maple leaf. 

"For your eyes only, sweetheart!" Trinket said as she handed Peanuts-Rey a home-style kids' burger meal combination! 

See how happy this little Basque girl is now! "YA, BABY! COME ON, BOYFRIEND, LET'S EAT!” She laughed as she removed enough food from the cloth bag to feed three starving old miners! 

As quickly as it had come, the massive leaf lifted and soared into the indigo heavens, vanishing from sight! For the time being, at least! 

end of act IV


act V

“HANOVER!” yelled a sour old lady smoking a corn cob pipe on the porch while perched under a faded silly looking straw hat. “OPEN THE EAST WING GATE AND LET DAH WADDA IN!”  

A moment later, an elderly gentleman in scraggly bib overalls peeped through the crack in the outhouse door. "I'M WORKING ON SUMPIN STUCK AT THE MOMENT, MA!" 

As she sat back in her old Oak rocker, a mischievous grin flashed across the wrinkled old woman's face. "Yer the man, Pa!" 

In a flash, the old fart appeared, toting a soiled, old nap bag and an intriguing odor tah boot! "HEY MA! WANT THESE OR PLANT THEM IN YOUR GARDEN?” 

Granny gleamed her renowned toothless grin. "HELLS’ YEAH! BRING ‘EM UP, HEE-YAH! THEY BE STANKIN DAH NEIBORHOOD UP!" 

Hanover obediently placed the diaper sack at the senior elderly lady's feet on the weathered wooden deck outside of their "GAGS-N-CHIT" gift shop. The elderly people also sold chitterlings. 

“WOW! These skanky squatters are a more considerable health hazard than a couple of brothels, Momma! He shook his head in disdain as he complained. 

A local emergency announcement suddenly came through the old people's police scanner! 

"ATTENTION, ALL CARS! … ATTENTION ALL CARS! BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR THAT CRAZY OLD GEEZER; GREAT... GREAT... GREAT GRAND-PAPPY... V. V. NICOLZAH!" 

Granny turned to face Grandpa! "Believe he'll show up, do Ya?" 

"Listen, Ma!" 

"SEEMS AS IF THE NUTHOUSE DONE LOST TRACK OF THE DAMNED OLD FOOL, ONCE AGAIN!" 

Hanover Fistk quickly stepped off the porch! 

"Hell yeah, groin Fistk?" 

"LOCK’N UP THEM HENS! LAST TIME HE WAS AROUND, THEY DIDN’T LAY FOR A WEEK!" 

Granny's trademark, toothless grin appeared as she recalled watching her mentally handicapped father, with his permanent, protruding tongue, try to raise 2-headed chickens on the old family farm! (NO SH*T! TRUE STORY… I REMEMBER!) 

"More like a… damned month!" Muttered Granny! “LOCK UP DAT ROOSTER WHILE AT IT! VALKYRIE, AIN’T GOT’S ANY MORE DIGNITY THAN HE GOT’S SENCE!” 

From behind the hen house, Hanover bellowed. "AAH-IGHT! THINK THAT OLD STEER IS SAFE?" 

"DOUBT IT!" Joked Granny! 

After a while, Hanover eventually made it to the comfort of his old Oak chair next to Granny. "Think Valkyries’ still smoking that… Wacky Tobacky?” 

Granny became paralyzed. "Ever seen him without it?” 

Hanover deliberated long and hard but did not supply a satisfactory response. “Well, ah….!” It took the old feller a while, but Granny waited patiently. “Okay! So, ah…!” 

“Jus' Sayn'!" Smiled Granny. 

The old guy had finally made his decision. "NO never had. Tah tell the truth." A tame response to a far more complex question. 

Without warning, a brand new, 1914 burgundy Model T Ford skidded to a halt just in front of Hanover and Granny’s gift shop and lay on its horn! Only a few feet away from the now deafened duo. 

Hanover looked over at his corn cob-puffing wife with bewilderment. "Dah hells’ Dat all ‘bout?" He had to inquire. Granny shrugged. 

Suddenly, the door on the driver's side of the car sprung open, revealing a very robust short elderly woman supporting a right black eye, of 80 years of age, her grey hair neatly tied in a bun, stepping out into the sweltering, mid-June heat. She saunters along the old folks' storefront. 

"When an old gal suddenly turns up in a heat-infested crap-hole like Billings Montana, the phrases, HOTTER-N-HELL AND STINKS LIKE…!” She rattled her head. “SHEE-YYACHT” take on an entirely new meaning!" To the elderly couple, the odd stranger winked with sass! 

A perplexed Hanover Fistk glared at the prissy old lady, and the prissy old lady glared back! In contrast, Granny broke into tears and spat up her pipe, and she willingly stayed out of it! After chuckling, the old lady bent down to get her smoking device. 

"Better get up here out data scorching heat, old girl!" Hanover polity advised. "Think dah sun done gotten to yearn head!" 

“That's for sure!” The elderly lady shouted as she stepped onto the shop’s dusty boardwalk. 

"Need any help?" 

“NAH!" 

"Good! Cause He would not tah got off his lazy a$$ anyway!" Smirked Granny, sarcastically! 

The guest laughed as she crammed herself onto an Adirondack chair, which was positioned directly below Hanover's right shoulder. 

Before sparking up a Lucky Strike, she asked, “Mind if I, ah… SMOKE?” 

Looking down, Hanover smirked. “NAH! Mind if I, ah… FART?”  

This only enticed his granny's wife to add, “Enquiring minds wants tah know!” 

The odd stranger chuckled. “You two are hilarious! The name is Esseker! Esseker Nicolzah!” 

"REALLY! Isn't that just peachy?" Hanover sighed and rolled his eyes. "So, gives with the shiner, Easter curse?" 

“ESSEKER!” Granny at once corrected. 

For some reason, the elderly lady declined to respond to the pounding question. 

Trusting her intuition, Granny stood, turned, and disappeared into the bowels of the curious gift shop without saying a word. 

“So, Ma'am, what brings Ya to Billings?” Hanover was inclined to enquire. 

The elderly lady raised her head! "Want the truth?"  

Hanover was tempted, but he remained true to his composer and politely said, "OK!" 

Esseker's gaze shifted slightly. "I'm still looking for my husband." She eventually admitted. "I've been seeking for almost ten years, now!" She whispered, to herself. "There is still nothing." 

Suddenly an expression of depression enveloped Hanover’s once-jovial attitude. “Really? What a bummer! What happened?” He made his request politely. 

The old woman dropped her head gradually. “Well. What rises must always descend. Eventually!” She said piteously. "What do you think?" 

“Sh*t! Do not remember! Not much rises anymore at my age!” They shared a single laugh at the same time! 

At that moment, Granny made a surprise return, this time with a pitcher of homemade cactus cooler and three frosty mugs. 

"MY GOODNESS!" Applauded Esseker! "WHAT HAVE WE GOT HERE?" 

“Panther-Piss! Ever try it?” Hanover inquired while offering his visitor a clean glass container. 

"PANTHER-PISS, YOU SAY?" The woman cheered, happily receiving the delectable cool beverage. “OH! I MOST DEFINITELY HAVE! Grew up on this goodie! What a delight! Thank you!" 

After much deliberation, Hanover Fistk eventually persuaded himself to ask, "Your married to Valkyrie, aren't cha?" 

"Yes," Esseker said quietly, looking up with a pleased smile. "I am, indeed." 

Hanover burst up laughing. "There yam go, Ma! Another hidden fact pertaining to Valkyrie's' secret life." 

"I HEARD!" Grandma grinned.  

“You heard of my hubby, then?” 

Hanover chuckled once again. "I think so! He is the oldest boy that belongs to my aunt Beatrice.” 

“WELL!” Granny said, "I think I should say, welcome to the family! If that is the right thing to say!" 

“Never thought old Valkyrie was worth anything!” 

That insensitive remark instantly infuriated old Granny! “THAT'S A HELL OF A THING TO SAY ABOUT A FELLER, HANOVER!” She chastised. "If you ain't got nut'n worthwhile to say, then keep those dangling lips of yearn mouth shut!" 

Hanover was stunned by his wife's intentional attempt to forget the past! "WHY THE DAMNED REASON MY CHICKEN CAN'T LAY NO MO!"

Esseker shot up in his lounge chair! "COME BACK!"

"Oh, please!" Granny was snapped! "There's nothing wrong with those darn hens! They're simply constipated, ya sh*te head!"





TO BE CONTINUED. This novel is currently under production in a live-action status. The work is written in a continuous prose format. Regularly occurring updates in process.